ASC Pt. III

In my first online Journal about a million enteries were entitled love, and now it seems I'm entitling a lot of them sex.

I realized tonight that I've never really talked with anyone about sex... like really talked about it. In the past, before I lost my flower, my ex and I would talk about it, but at the time I was just so innocent and thought that it was all the same. Things have changed... that was along time ago (July 2, 2003 to be exact) and I'm different. One, I've had sex in the past and I quite miss it. It's like I've grown my virginity back... It's like I'm a born again virgin except it's not by choice like most troubled teens go about it. But more than just missing it, I've never really talked about my experience with someone before. Anna, after we did it, she felt kind of awkward talking about it, especially now that we're broken up and claims to not remember it very well (jeez, that's good for my ego). The situation is really muddled with selective memory at this point so I don't blame her for not wanting to talk about it.

But honestly, I can't imagine talking to any guy friends about sex. It's gay talking to guys about sex. I don't want it to be like one of those locker room moments where you go on about your pasts conquests. She wasn't a conquest to me. She was... she was... she was the love of my life. You talk about fucking some drunk girl at a club after a game of basketball, you do not go on about making love with the girl of your dreams after a game of 3 v 3.

And with my female friends, all of them seemed to find it really awkward for me to talk to them about sex. I guess they just didn't want to hear about it... I don't know why. I told people like "Hey, I lost my virginity and it was the greatest moment of my life", but I dunno... I feel like there's a lot of sexual repression in me that I'd like to get out... not really through action (cuz we all know that won't be happening any time soon) but at least through talking about it. It's still completely pent up... pent up to the point that I can't even talk about it here in my most private of thoughts...

Well, I'll take a baby step... I lost my virginity seconds after my first kiss.

I have a million things to do and think about... I'm exhausted. I've been rushing and roaming all over town fro the last few weeks and my tank is on empty. I need a day off. I need a day to rest and clear my head because it feels like I'm about to explode.

I'm completely emotionless. Seriously, I haven't had a thought to think other than these over thought and unimportant ideas from novels and books and movies, I can't remember the last genuine thought to come out of my head.

I miss romance.

I miss love.

I miss Gilmore Girls.

I miss wrestling.

I miss Anna.

Am I incapable of love or incapable of being loved? Maybe both...

I just came from work a little while ago. I ate at Wendy's after work and had urge for chilli... yea, red meat from a fast food restaurant cannot be good for me.

So I order my $1.39 and decide to dine at the local Tim Horton's / Wendy's and also drank a double double from Tim's. So I'm sitting there and see this guy, an older gentleman, slightly over weight and dressed really sloppy. He was like a plumber or something according to his shirt. As I watched him scraf down a classic single a million thoughts went through my head. I'll try to recapture my thought process:

"I don't want to end up like that guy. He looks so alone. I don't want to be like that guy, middle aged, no friends, no wife, no kids, pathetic... I don't want that. Even if I ever found someone to love, I don't think I could get married because I don't know if anyone would ever compare with any. And even if I did go through with the marriage, I would probably end up getting divorced because I don't think I can love anyone the way that they need to be. I would love to love, but I don't know if I could... and say I get married and she dies. How could I go on with my life? How?"

Even writing this, I'm filled kind of a sadness... I can't explain it. I'm scared. I'm scared of loving again and really scared of losing that if it ever happens... I just really would love to have a chance.

It's Friday night, I'm dressed super cute which many a person told me earlier in the day (black shirt, white time, white suspenders) and I'm about to go to sleep? Way to live it up (sarcasm, yawn).

I've been bitching about my brother a lot lately...

The thing that bothers me about him the most is his voice. He recently got a job as a salesman (I'd rather not say what product) and he was practicing his "pitch" on me and he used this tone in his voice which I have always called his "White Voice". It's this voice that he puts on in front of people he doesn't know, as well as other people he does know, some of which are his "closest" friends. As we were driving around today, his friend called his cell phone and immediately his voice went into white mode. It was at that moment that everything clicked with me... when he uses that voice, the same voice he uses to sell vacuum cleaners, he's trying to sell himself to people. When he uses that tone, he's not being himself, he's not comfortable, and he's not trying to represent himself... he's trying to sell this idea of himself that I can't quite pinpoint. He's trying to sell himself off as someone who he obviously isn't. He portrays himself differently to different people. He wants to be liked, but the person they end up liking is a person who isn't really him.

I'm really pist at the guy right now. He's not someone I like knowing, and more importantly, not someone I like having as my sibling. If you heard him talk in the white voice, it would seem like he's someone completely in control and as if every single move and decision he made was made in certainty and confidence.

He was recently fired from a job that, when he explains it, seemed like hell. As if it was a completely unbearable place and that he was better and smarter then everyone else in the office. It's fucking sick of little my brother respects the world. He thinks he should be the president of any company he works for within two weeks of working there. Just because you may be smarter than someone else in the office or perhaps you've figured out better ways to do things... big whoopity-doo! Wow, you figured something out. So what! It's their office, not yours. They make the rules okay, and you can't expect to change the place within a few weeks because you think your way is better.

He has no fucking life at all. I really, really wish my parents would kick him out of the house. Why? Because then he might learn something. He goes from job to job thinking that each one isn't good enough for him. He's too good for work? Dude, get over yourself. You think it's going to be fun? Just because you have no life and no real friends and no one to tell you that they love you, doesn't mean you have to be completely pathetic, but in your case you are. You think your job is going to represent who you are? Get a life. Just fucking get a life.

He doesn't think that he has to suffer at all in life... he said that himself. He doesn't think that he should suffer in a job... fuck you. Just fuck you... I don't know why this is really pissing me off so much. It's just so pathetic that he thinks he's going to be the greatest thing in the world while all he does is waste his time with hobbies he doesn't really enjoy and past times that won't get him anywhere and people who really don't give a fuck about him.

And the saddest thing of all is probably that I'm his own brother and I really don't give a shit about him because he is just a horrible person that is selfish and self-centered and doesn't appreciate a single thing that has been handed to him... I think I went a bit far with this, but I'm really pist off...

If I were his father, I would kick him out of the hosue and put a bit of reality into him. He'll never be happy with a job because he has completely unrealistic expectations of the real world. You maybe my older brother, you have to fucking grow up. You don't have a fucking thing worth living for and I don't know if you ever will.

I finally finished my second paper of the year. It was probably the most personal essay I've ever written as it pertained to something paralelling to my life... the pastoral state and I guess, in a lot of ways, the loss of innocence. I hope I did well because for one it seems like I know what I'm talking about.

School is keeping busy, so much so that I don't have enough time to cry over my petty problems... perhaps I should list some here so that when I have a bit more time I can remember what to cry about over the xmas holidays. Or maybe not.

I'd like to think that I'll be happy soon, it just doesn't seem very likely though... I've been thinking about sex lately. Like a lot lately. I don't know why. Oddly, yesterday, a girl I know (who I'm not really sure on yet as to whether I like her or not [just as a person]) gave me a sex survey. She kind of just wanted me to fill this thing out (this is what caused my little rant about trust yesterday as well as someone else) and it had all of these questions like when's the last time you had sex, have you had sex with a member of the same sex, are you gay, are you monogomous... and one question that she asked that really shocked me was "how many often do you masturbate?" I told her I didn't know. Since it was one of the first questions she assumed that I was just being shy, but the truth is that I'm lonely and a perv and I honestly lose count of many times I do it on a long and lazy day. Take that for what you will...

My brother is easily the most incosiderate and self-centered person on earth. He never thinks about anyone but himself and, looking at the state his life, it looks like he doesn't care about himself.

He's unemployed, no girlfriend, no kids, no job, and no real close friends... does nothing with his life, complains how his jobs aren't good enough for him and then gets fired from them, and yet, in hid late-20's, blames the situation of his life on our parents. On our parents? You know what, I'm the first to point out how bad my parents are, but when you're almost 30, you have no life and no ambition, I don't think that you can blame your parents anymore. It's their fault that you don't try anything? I think there comes a time in your life when you have to stop blaming your parents and just admit you're pathetic...

If you aren't happy with what you are then change it. If you're waiting around for things to change then they never will... I know, I'm one to talk, but I don't blame anyone. I know I suck and my life sucks and I accept it... I live it. But I'm working towards something... I want a job. I want a life. I want to move out. I want to be independant. I want to be a teacher. But my brother's unemployed and will certainly just float from job to job because he thinks that he was destined for something more. I'm not saying that he doesn't have the ability, but he just doesn't have desire.

He's keeping hope in the jar, but there comes a time when you have to let it out... even if it means you can never put it back in.

I need to stop blindly trusting people because in the end I'm always the one who gets hurt... it will be me who suffers for other people's problems. I suppose I have to retreat even farther to myself because I just don't know who I can trust... who's lying? Who like me? What anyone's agenda is?

Trust is such an awkward thing... when I first had sex, I thought about how much I trusted this girl. I didn't get burned by her, I didn't get a disease or a rash or anything like that... the trust was right with her. WE were open... even how bad things actually were, we were completely open about things. This may sound like it's just about sex, but it's a lot more... it's about everything. My body and my emotions and my sense of self are completely opposite and one and trust, real trust, is something that I don't know if I can do with anyone again... it will take time, it will take truth and it will take physicality... and all three of those things, I do not even have in myself.

I was just talking to some girl in my class about her "promise" ring... and then I told her that I was engaged... I was actually engaged, huh?

I haven't felt still in the longest time. I'm jumping from place to place, but at the same time it feels like I'm not moving at all... or maybe I'm moving at such an ultra fast motion that everything just seems slowed down and I'm aware of everything is going to move or land or fall... bullet time, almost.

Tomorrow's wednesday and that means I wake up at 6 for my 8:30 class. I have far too much work to go to class... but I think I'm going to go. Putting off your work so you can go to class doesn't seem all that bad, right?

There are times in my life when I just want to sleep and I totally cannot wait for thursday... even though I have a paper due on Friday, I'm sure I'm going to sleep in on thursday. My cousin wants to go out for sushi and as of right now, I'm saying yes... but I think once the day comes, I'm going to say no.

I'm writing about the pastoral and the idea that the pastoral is the perfect, untouched, golden age and in order for it to exist it must have a great fall. It's like Adam & Eve. They lived in a happy perfect garden of eden only for it to all end when they ate from the apple. Me, I look at my life and it was the moment that I told my parents about Anna. Up until that point, for me and our relationship (me and hers) my life was still perfect, my life was still pure, my life was still hopeful and innocent and good. Ever since I told me parents, it all fell to shit. I suppose that things were great when she and I were just a couple... a couple of people that loved and cared about each other... but once we let the world in on everything, they broke us apart.

I'm also reading Marvel... Damon the Mower... it's great. I saw a lot of myself in the poems and I think I might write about that on my paper. Essentially, love is our demise because once you realize that it isn't as great as you thought it might be, your life and all of your hopes get thrown out the window. That's the theory of course, a theory I would not like to put into practice. The eternal underlying optimist still thinks that he might fall in love... that's me.

I've thought about making this journal public, but I don't think it's worth it... and I like the few people that read this. There's always good feedback when it actually comes up.

I have this idea for an album... it will detail the story of a guy who is innocent and is essentially in a golden age of happiness and innocence. He is selfish in a nice way... he loves who he is. He is tied to guitar and his music. He and the music are one. He sees himself in it and in it he sees himself...

That will be a few songs.

Then he finds a girl causing him to fall from his happiness..

In the end, he thinks he wants her back, but what he wants is his hapiness again... just rough right now.

I think this will be something I do quite often from now on... just ten random things about myself:

1) My left eyes is much worse than my right

2) I have a scar on my right arm from my factory job in the summer.

3) My biggest fetish is glasses.

4) I don't ever wear jeans. EVER!

5) My first kiss and my frist... time... ya know... were on the same day.

6) I went to a Catholic High School.

7) I would love to convert to Judaism.

8) I like tapes more than CDs.

9) I grow my hair out for Cancer kids.

10) I love Pocky

A group of students (1 white girl, 1 black girl, 1 asian guy) are sitting in class discussing public and private space.

White Girl: We should do something funny and fucked up.

Asian Guy: Okay, like what?

Black Guy: We should tell a bunch of racist jokes.

AG: Well, we've got most of the basics down.

WG: We should just go to the Tim Horton's and talk about sex really loud.

BG: That would be so funny.

AG: I guess.

WG: It's perfect. I'll be like talking to you and I'll be like "Last night I went down on my boyfriend for like 25 minutes and he couldn't fucking come". It would be hilarious.

BG: It's perfect.

AG: I guess so.

WG: You're no fun. We should just make spectacles of ourselves.

AG: I'd rather not talk about stuff like that.

WG: Like what? Sex?

AG: Yea, I guess.

WG: Come on, it's just sex.

BG: It's no big deal. Everyone talks about it.

AG: Not me.

WG: What's the big deal? Fuck, blowjob, cunt. Who cares?

AG: I guess I do.

WG: You're such a prude. What does it matter? Are you ashamed of sex?

AG: I'd rather not talk about it.

WG: It's just sex, dude.

AG: Not to me. I don't like to think about sex.

WG: Why? Give me one good reason why.

AG: I've only had sex with one girl, and I was completely in love with her. We were together for like forever and then she broke my heart into a million pieces and ever since whenever I think about sex or even if I hear someone talk about sex, I think of her and I get totally fucking sad because I'm still in love with her. So don't tell me it's just sex because the words dildo, cunt, and blowjob all sounds like love to me.

White girl feels awkward.

WG: I'm sorry.

She exits.

BG: Is that true?

AG: Sort of. I just didn't like her being so pushy.

It was a long day... not in a bad way for once, which is good.

I woke up and baked cookies. Why? I can't really explain. I make the world's greatest chocolate chip cookies and I felt like making some as a pick me up over the sad little rut I've been in and the overwhelming amount of school work I have to do over the next two weeks. I made about two dozen and ate two myself, leaving me with 22 cookies to dispose of. Since I didn't really have anything important to do today and was avoiding my essay at all costs, I packed the cookies up and decided to visit an old friend I hadn't seen in awhile.

I went to her store and our meeting went as such:

I walk into the store and she greets me with a hug.

Her: Hey you!

Me: Hey.

Her: What are you doing here? And why are up before noon on a sunday morning?

Me: You know me, a late saturday night for me all depends on the musical guest on SNL and I baked some cookies and thought you might want one.

I pull out my tupperware and hand her a cookie.

Her: Oh my god, I haven't had one of these in like two years.

She takes one out of the container.

Her: Oh my god, how are you single?

Me: Cuz girls tend not to date guys they think are gay.

Her: No one thinks you're gay.

Me: Then why didn't you and I ever date?

Her: We're like brother and sister and it would be incestous to think about us in any other way.

Me: But god, why my ficticious sister have such big boobs?

Her: You're god's walking punchline... I'm like really busy organizing a million things in the store. Wanna get lunch sometimes this week?

Me: Sure.

I'm sure we won't get lunch. I miss her a lot sometimes. In a lot of ways, she was the closest thing to a sister I've ever had.

So after I saw her, I passed by the Asian Supermarket and bought some Pocky. Does everyone know what Pocky is? If you don't, I suggest you search for an Asian market of some kind and ask for it before it is the greatest thing ever. Anyways, I remember telling someone at work about Coconut Pocky last night and said I would come in on my day off today and give her some. And I did. Her response? "You're the sweetest guy ever." I kind of just smiled at the comment and then went home.

When I got home, my download of the Lakehouse finally finished so I decided to watch it and I balled like a baby. I keep flip flopping on the idea of love and if it will ever happen for me. I don't know if it ever will, but the fact is that the hope inside of me will always be there... at least I hope that it will.

Anyways, yea... I bake, I'm nice, and I like girly movies. It's funny how a lot of girls I know always say that I should have a girlfriend or that I'm good dating material or something like that, but I bet the idea of me being with one of them has never ever entered there mind. But, to be honest, I guess since I don't really see any of them that way, the same goes for me. I'd like to think there's something out there for me, but I'm not as hopeful as I used to be. I used to be sure that it would work out, but now I just hope that it will...

Maybe I'm not good boyfriend material. I think I'm just a good friend, which in a lot of ways is a better thing to be.

I want to open up more, but it's hard to when you don't know what you're holding back.

Every time i see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment you'd
Say the words that I can't say...

The song came into my head and I thought I'd remind myself of it.

I've lost track of the days. I remember waking up on monday and thinking it was Wednesday. I just woke up and I really had no idea what day it was until I checked my computer. All I knew was that I had a class.

My routine is simple - wake up, go to class, not pay attention, go home...

I can't wait to finish school... I really need a break. I think I'm gonna travel next year since I probably won't go to teacher's college just yet. I don't know... maybe I should go to college right away.

God... I can't believe I made that deadline. This is the last year I see things happening for me and if it doesn't happen, I will lose all hope, I know it. I'm going to graduate and after that... what? I never wanted to graudate. I always thought I'd have found something better before the end of university and it looks like I won't. I won't find a single thing because 24 years of lonliness just isn't going to change. I'm fucked up on the inside... and not very pretty on the outside. But I have to let it out... I have to change. But I don't want to change. I like myself, and with all hope someone out there can like me too... someone out there will understand me too. This isn't even about love or the romance or relationships... it's the big picture. It's the life I've always wanted. It's the future I must construct for myself... but my future has always been about falling in love.

Plan A was to fall in love, huh? I just realized that... it had nothing to do with careers or anything else. It was just to fall in love. It wasn't about becoming a teacher or a writer or a musician or any of that. It was always to fall in love. I've worked so hard on plans B through Z - 2, that I haven't given plan A a chance. In fact, I think Plan A will just fall into my life. You know, I've never even asked a girl out? How fucking pathetic. I'm shy... girls intimidate me. The world intimidates me. And there really aren't that many I can see myself with... many even sounds like an overstatement.

Must go to school... must listen to Pet Sounds on Repeat. Must keep on Wishin' and Hopin' like Dusty would say... funny to say Dusty in a non-wrestling context.

I might BBQ today... last one of the year probably so pass by if you'd like.

I just want tomorrow (or today?) to be done so I can start to feel like myself for awhile... I just want to sit around for awhile watch last week's Gilmore Girls which I missed because of school, have the world's largest cup of coffee and smile over the fact that I have a million things due next week that I really don't know a single thing about.

Post-tomorrow checklist:

[] Watch "Drums Along The Mohwak"
[] Read accompanying article
[] Watch Bride & Prejudice
[] Read Emma
[] Read Pride & Prejudice
[] Write essay on Drums Along the Mohawk
[] Write essay on the Fall of the Golden Age
[] Purchase the "The Cultural Theory Reader"
[] Read some of it
[] Start Power Point Presentation on Inspiration
[] Remind Lauren to take the picture
[] Record some songs for her
[] Listen To Pet Sounds 100 Times
[] Pretend that things will get better

I know I'm seconds from going to bed, but I can't wait for my giant cup of coffee tomorrow.

I came along when he broke your heart
That's when you needed someone
To help forget about him - I'm Waiting For the Day by the Beach Boys

How amazing is that god damn song? I don't think I've been this in love with anything since Anna. I just adore Pet Sounds.

Now that I've got you attention, read this entry.

I just had a sexual dream about someone... it was sadly really short, and I say sadly because I haven't had sex in a really long time and dreams are the closest thing to reality I can get because as it's happening it usually feels real, opposed to masturbating where you realize you're basically fucking yourself. To take that a step further, when I masturbate, I realize that I usually don't want to be doing it, so in actuality I guess it's like I'm raping myself... wow, there's a concept.

Anyways, I had two sexual dreams this week... the other was with Anna which was quite long and vivid and it took place in my old house. I'm not as open about sex as I'd like to be... I guess I am a little shy and shameful about it... mostly because I haven't had much though. I guess sex remains private with me... or maybe non-existent.

I just can't seem to sleep, though my eyes are quite heavy and sadly, there's no online to talk to.

This is most likely to be a useless post so don't even bother reading it.

I kind of get lonely a night... not just kind of, but extremely.

When I get sad I sometimes look at comments on this and other webpages that I've made and read back the conversations... sad, huh?

I like thursdays because I don't have class and My Name is Earl is on.

Some girl in my cultural studies class thinks I'm uptight about sex... whatever. If she only knew.

If I could live on coffee, I probably would.

Now that I think about it, why don't I?

I once went to a gay cafe`... it was completely by accident.

I haven't heard Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper in awhile.

My brother said you shouldn't get a job related to something you're really interested because then you get sick of it... I wonder if he's right? I'm really sick of books.

My brother is in his late 20's, lives with his parents, doesn't have a girlfriend, and seems kind of lonely... is it like looking into my future?

Why aren't I watching Conan O' Brian?

I haven't worn my Buttercup key chain once this year... Has that object ever popped on this version of my blog?

I keep two blogs, which is really weird. They're exactly the same. One is on blogger, which I kind of view as a public thing, and one is on livejournal which is exactly the same, but I veiw it as a private thing. Where's the difference? I dunno...

I sometime think about converting to Judaism...

I haven't cut my hair in awhile. It's not that long. I'm too broke to get it cut.

My father hates when I don't get my hair cut. He thinks it's the end of the world when my ears aren't showing.

I usually grow it out and donate it to cancer kids.

I have really bit feet... size 12s. I know I've said that before, but I always bring it up when I have nothing else to say.

If I could change one thing about my appearace it would probably be... hmm... chest. There's a lot I would change though, but I've always hated my chest.

I have a bet going over which member of the Who will die first - Roger Daltry or Pete Townsend... I chose Pete to be the last surviving member.

If I had to chose for other groups - Ringo for the Beatles, Richards for the Stones, and Mike Love for the Beach Boys.

The question always comes up: Beatles or Stones? I have always chosen the Beach Boys. Wouldn't it Be Nice, God Only Knows, and Help Me Rhonda... case closed.

Kate Beckinsale and Halle Berry are probably my biggest celebrity crushes... but I'm not obsessed at all.

You know that Kate Beckinsale if part Asian?

Asians didn't invent pasta... it's a fucking lie!

The biggest myth about me, I think, is that I'm a good friend. I don't know about that. I think I'm pretty bad at it. I try my best, but with the amount of people that come and go, I don't think my best is quite good enough.

I have AIM, and it loads everyday, but none of my 3 friends on it ever log on.

Same goes with Yahoo.

I have two MSN accounts... one for the people I like, and one for the people I block.

Still downloading the lake house...

I watched a bunch movies today: Clueless, and the two Bridget Jones movies... Yea, Jane Austen really warped me into becoming a romantic. Her and Meg Ryan.

I somtimes look out the window and think that someone out there is thinking the same things that I am... but knowing my luck we aren't under the same stars.

I bet no one knows why I used the line "Under the same stars".

My favourite line is music is probably "Watching Grunge Legdrop New Jack throught a press table" from Weezer's El Scorcho. If you know what that's referencing then I'll buy you a double double.

I haven't had cream in my coffee for quite some time.

But I want sugar in my tea.

I think the hardest pain I will ever feel is when I realize, like really realize that the person I love the most will never love me back...

It hasn't hit me yet.

I'm waiting for the day when I can love again...

I don't care... I just don't care. I think I may be the last person on the face of the earth that believes in love anymore, but I really don't care god damn it. I don't know if it will ever happen, but I will hope there is a chance.

How did I become this underlying optimist? Why is it that most everyone I meet - male, female, vegetable - their sex lives are almost jokes to them and the concept of actually caring about someone is the most laughable part to them. Yea, I know a lot of people in "good" relationships too... but they're mostly jokes too. People who met at 15 and are afraid to search from someone else... says the guys who still has feelings for a girl he fell in love with at 15. I know a lot of people who have been together since high school and sport a promise ring. A promise ring? What the fuck is that? I promise to promise to marry you one day? Fuck that... just go all out and call it an engagement ring. Those get called off just as much.

I'm pissy right now... I just watched both Bridget Jones's Diary movies and in me there is this hope, but at the same time there is this anger towards the majority of people I know that just take it all for granted. Love and loving someone and the idea of actually meaning everything to someone, it's become nothing to them... and essentially nothing to each other.

I've had a really long day. I woke up at 6 and just haven't been in a good mode for most of it. Something just hasn't been clicking right today. I'm just growing bored with people with too much rhyme and reason and not enough faith... because if you don't have faith, you end up not believing in anything.

My inspiration is divine...

... that line will make sense later on.

So I'm taking this Cultural Theory class and it's all about observing what's normal and the idea of space... so we go through all these things and we go to these places and there's sort of a protocol of how to act in certain spaces. Our task of the day was basically to take the idea of space and observe it... so instead of just sitting around at a Tim Horton's or something, my group decided to disrupt space and see how people would react to something so awkward in the middle of their day to day life. So another group wanted to do something weird too so they started making chalk drawings on the pathway. A light went off in my head and I thought "How about if I lie in the middle of path, and you draw a chalk out line around my body?" and one of my partners says "How about you lay dead and I pray over your body?"

And we did it.

It was funny. People had different reactions. Some responded with an "Oh my god" face, that of a Joey Styles impression. Other people laughed. One person even took a picture. So if you happen to be that person that took the picture, please send it along.

I don't know what to make of this. It wasn't a big deal to me. So... ummm... yea, just thought I'd write about that.

I think the idea of normal is funny... but I'm anything but normal.

I'm having a bad-ish day.

I went to the bus station, and there was an open space that I could have easily gotten to first, but there was this girl in another car who had pulled into the section before me and I knew she had saw the spot first and I had a choice - do I be a dick or do I do the honorable thing and give her the spot? Well... I have dignity and I gave her the spot.

KARMA!

Sadly, my karma didn't work out. I went to the gym and apparently, you have to sign up for machines and it's not first come, first serve. So an elliptical machine wasn't open and I didn't even want to waste my time on an exercise bike.

I don't want to talk about anything else... it was a crummy day overall, other than the fact that I was able to trade my cousin's Mario Hoops 3 on 3 for a straight face value... and I got to see the pretty girl at the EBgames.

But inspite all of the crumminess of the day I've become so so so so so obsessed with "I'm Waiting for the Day" by The Beach Boys. It's still killing me that Brian Wilson was 24 years old when he recorded Pet Sounds. 24?

What am I doing? It seems like I just keep putting off "adulthood". My brother just lost his job and it seems like he's putting off being a grown-up too.

I don't want to live like this, but I'm scared that the next step is just me being alone for the rest of my life without a single thing to live for... no love, no wife, no kids, sitting at home alone on friday nights jacking off to highspeed broadband porn. Is that my future?

I know I need to take a step, but I'm scared that it might be in the wrong direction.

Fuck I need a hug.

I don't think she loves me anymore... and I guess that's fine. It's just so odd to fall out of touch with the one person who ever understood you. Even worse, it's odd to be so hidden away from the one you've always wanted. I can't open up the same way I used to and it just hurts. Sadly, I'm pretty sure she does the same thing. She doesn't want me into her as deeply as I once was, but we don't want to let the other down no matter what.

I hate Diet Pepis Jazz.

There are times I think where I'd be better off just leaving here and never coming back.

Do you think it's weird that most people go to school to get a certain job, they get that job, and then end up quitting or getting fired? The average person goes through 6 occupations I believe, so I guess your first one, you shouldn't really care about it at all.

Same goes with marriage... most people end up getting divorced, so your first marriage or really serious relationship, I guess you shouldn't really take it so seriously because you know it's most likely going to end badly.

I should be happy that Anna and I didn't work out because it makes the odds of the next relationship lasting a lot better.

It's hard to be deep or say important things to someone because it seems like the people you end up spending the most time with, you usually end up talking about nothing most of the time because when you talk about the deeper stuff you end up getting annoyed with the person. I'm not saying that's completely true... maybe there is something or someone out there that the heavier things can be said to. Or maybe people were only meant to love in doses.

Rachel Blanchard looks a lot better as a red head.

The concept of love was invented by Jane Austen... I think. Romantic love that is. It's a man made emotion, but that doesn't mean it isn't real.

I haven't had sex in about 4 years. I'd love to break that streak... this cold, cold, cold blue streak.

I have really big feet. Size 12s and I'm only five foot nine... and in low cut shoes they look even bigger.

I like wearing Dickies. I don't know what it is about them that I love so much. Work pants... they're just so thick and warm and it's a great way to break the cold of Canada.

I can't wait until snow comes again.

I need money.

I need to get away.

I need to finish my work.

I need to graudate.

I'm so scared to graduate. I always thought that something better would happen for me before that happens and right now it looks like I'm bound to graduate, get a job, and live a sad, lonely life.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Looking to write some music soon... I don't want to lose that part of me.

Quick post before my computer blows up:

1) I have a trojan on my computer which I've been trying to get rid of all day and it won't go away, which sadly means I will have to format my computer and reinstall all my programs and shit which is the biggest hassle and piece of mumbo jumbo on earth. I can't live in safe mode forever.

2) I just came back from the bar (no, I didn't drink and haven't had a drink since early July cuz I've decided to quit forever) and at the bar I watched the UFC fight. I can't believe that Franklin lost. I've lost all faith in humanity with that.

3) Found my external hard drive and I must find a way to return it or I will be very very pist off.

4) I'm looking to make a collage of inspiration (for my inspiration class). It's weird how my inspiration will be either things related to fighting and things that are really gay (ie a Bloody Faced Steve Austin and The Town of Stars Hollow in Gilmore Girls). I must get in touch with Lauren and ask her for a picture of that pastel thing she did that I adore. What really will go on this list - Pinkerton, Ghost World, Mick Foley falling off the cell, Steve Austin bloody face, my guitar, my niece, CM Punk's knuckles, BJ Penn vs GSP, Tetris... anything else anyone can think of?

5) Finally, I remembered why I started blogging or keeping a journal again. I went to the bar today with my brother to watch UFC. The weird thing was that most people were there as couples. There was one couple where the girl was definitely the bigger fan. There were other couples where both looked like fans. And a few where the girl was just sleeping in the booth. Why does this bother me? Because I remembered that essentially, I looked at this year as last year of life in the sense that if I don't have something going for me soon, I think I may lose all hope... Now, I'm not saying I'm going to settle for whatever comes along, but there are times where glimmers of hope come into my and I know there must be something more important for me out there than just this depression I've kind of settled into.

The actual finally... While I will always maintain that God Only Knows by the Beach Boys is the greatest song of all time, I have always said that the intro to Wouldn't it Be Nice is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard... also, I think the line that sums me up as a human being might be in that song... you ready?

We could be married
Then we'd be happy
Oh wouldn't it be nice?

Actually, while that sums up my hopes "Words and dreams and a million screams, oh how I need a hand in mine to feel" does a better job of showing both sides of the oddness that is me... but wouldn't it be nice?

It was just over a year ago that I moved out of the house that I lived in for practically my entire life. At first I was just all for getting out of there and maybe, just maybe I could start over, rebuild, and get on from my life. So for a few days I just went back my house (it really was my house) and I'd take my life (the life where I was once happy) apart piece by piece. By the time moving day had come along, it wasn't anymore. Most of my stuff was gone, the furniture was scattered, everything was in boxes, and all I could think was that going on with my life didn't seem like something I really wanted to do. All my memories and all my life really was packed up in boxes and to this new house where I live that to this day still does not feel like my home. What really eats me is that, even if somehow I could go back to that house and try to relive those happy, it's really impossible because it's no longer home... it's just a house.

I want to change my songwriting approach. I've got a bunch of songs right now without any lyrics and I'm really desperately looking for a concept. Right now, the only song I have an idea of is going to be called "Tell me where'd you go?" It's sounding nice, but for some reason I don't know if I can write about heartbreak and the pondering of a relationship anymore... I'm still up for love and all, just in a different vein I guess, because I'm so proud and still love a lot of my older songs.

I'm 24 years old... did you know that Brian Wilson was 24 when Pet Sounds was released? Fucking nuts, huh? 24 years fucking years old... I'm the same age and I'm still in school and I'm watching Clueless in class next week. What the fuck is wrong with me? Rivers was 26 when he wrote and recorded Pinkerton so I'm still giving myself 2 more years before I go completely go over the hill.

I think the concept for the next few songs is going to be of a guy trying to get on with his life after a bad break-up, but there are still moments of regret and looking back at what he was lost. It will be weird not to write about her, but I want to. Here are song ideas...

1) Questioning love? Have I ruined my life? Am I just chasing a dream?
2) Wants to see a new girl, but there is still residual feelings for an old one.
3) Seeing something that reminds him completely of her
4) A song about letting go... really letting go.
5) Going to see her and it breaking his heart that she's with someone else.
6) A crush on a new girl, even if he likes her, he's still too shy to speak (Too shy to speak and too sad to try?)
7) Why can't I be making love come true?
8) Wondering if she's thinking about him too?
9) A golden girl song... seeing a new girl and thinking the world of her
10) Meeting someone else that's been hurt too and it being nice to talk to them
11) A straight edge song
12) Cleaning up my life, but it falling short...

Feel free to comment on this... I would love some input.

Song recomendation: You Still Believe In Me by the Beach Boys. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but my all time favourite song is Weezer's Across the Sea and the intro to this Beach Boys song kind of reminds me of it.

Why does it still kill me to here you gush about other guys? It's been so long since we broke up and it's been so long since you've felt any feeling of love or romance towards me, but after all this time and as much as I think I've made leaps to forget what we had, it still hurts to know you like anyone, anyone at all more than me.

Why does it snow for an hour for it to get sunny again and melt it all away? I love the winter. Snow reminds me of better day and better times. Times of change, importance, and urgency. Winter makes me thinks are now or never, but looking back it seems like they never were.

Why am I alone? I mean, shouldn't I have found someone by now? And now, the only people I ever meet are either married, engaged, or engaged to be engage, so I guess everyone that's single by the time they turn maybe 25 are just destined to be alone and/or undatable. Am I that much of a wreck? Am I completely undateable? Am I not a catch at all?

Why did it take me so long to buy Pet Sounds? When I was a kid Sgt Pepper was always thrown in my face as the greatest album of all time, but then I heard that Pet Sounds was actually quite better, and for the last six or seven years "God Only Knows" has been one of, if not my very favourite song of all time. Well, I'm listening to it now and it's really really beautiful.

Why did Kurt Angle go to TNA? Yea, I like wrestling, and Kurt is one of my personal heroes, but I think going to TNA might be one of the dumbest moves he's made. I just hope his legacy doesn't get killed now.

Why did I ever go into University searching for a degree in English? I'm spent on novels and books and poetry and plays and everything to do with the field of English. It's like I don't even live in the same world as everyone else anymore. Honestly, if it wasn't for wrestling and Gilmore Girls, my contemporary status would be non-existent.

Why did I ever fall in love? Everyone told me it was wrong... maybe listening to your heart is a bad thing because it's usually wrong and often gets hurt in the process.

I know that almost everything I write on here is whiney or about love or a broken heart, so I thought I'd just write about something pretty average joe-like:

Tito beat Ken tonight and finally the trilogy is over. Now, let's that the UFC finally puts on some better matches than these over-hyped squashes.

Well, to bring things back to my regular estrogen levels, I shall download Gilmore Girls tomorrow and watch it a few times on my 4.5 hour break.

I went to a wedding on Saturday night and overall it was nice. Good food, at least.

Does everyone know what the money dance is? I know a lot of different cultures do it. The bride and groom dance with people and after they dance with them they get money pinned to them? Well, my aunt gave me some money and she's like "Go, dance with the bride." I agreed, though there are two things I hate to do

1) Dancing &
2) Touching strangers

But I did it anyways. I don't remember what the song was, which is odd, because that's usually the only thing my foggy mind remembers, but I remember walking up to her (we've only met once before last saturday) and standing in front of her and giving a nice little fake half smile. "Congratulations," I said before taking her hand and leading the dance. The song turned to "Still the One" by Shania Twain, which was kind of a happy thing for me because the girl in me really likes that song. So we're dancing, the spotlight shining down on us, and I looked at her and started to cry. It wasn't because of how beautiful the moment was or the setting was or how good looking she was... It was the fact that I was dancing at a wedding with the bride and the bride wasn't mine. The girl I was dancing with wasn't Anna. Because of my complete hatred of dancing, I always thought that the first girl I ever danced with, even more precisely, the first bride I ever danced with at a wedding would be mine and I thought that it would be Anna. The song? I don't know what it would be, but "Still the One" would be fitting in my mind. Saddly, it's looks like we didn't make it.

As I started crying, she noticed and said "Are you crying?"

I laughed, somewhat embarrased by my actions and said, "Yea."

"How come?" she said with a sad and concerned look.

"I'm just kind of reminded of someone," I said, my false sense of humor not seeming very fun at the moment. Someone tapped me on the shoulder, insisting on cutting and I let go of the bride's hands. "Congratulations again. You're really the most beautiful girl in the room." I then walked away, took off my jacket, loosened my time, and took down my suspendors.

After all this time I've realized that Tegan (or was it Sara) was wrong - There isn't more to life than love and being together.

Me: I was in class today and the big thing that always comes up is inspiration and motivation.

U: What about them?

Me: Well, there are people in the class don't really believe in inspiration.

U: Then why would they take the class?

Me: Because they're completely cynical and out to break our spirits.

U: Assholes.

Me: Totally.

U: So what do you think about the two?

Me: I've been thinking about and, I don't know, I haven't found a real definition. Like, I think there's a difference, but I can't really explain it. I want to differeniate, but I can't.

U: You know what I think? I think the difference between inspiration and motivation is kind of like comparing making love and fucking, it's just that one has a bit more emotion than the other.

Me: Nice.

Is that better?

Anyways... I've been thinking about my heart strings and I think that they're really easy to be pulled, but most of the day they just aren't hooked up properly.

Comparing inspiration and motivation are like comparing making love fucking, only one has a lot more emotion involved.

I'm trying to word this right... help me if you can.

I just lost 8 lbs... I'm gonna have a cake.

I've been hitting the cardio pretty hard this week. I did an hour on the elliptical this morning which was good. God, I'm sick of my body.

I'm going to a wedding in two days and I can finally fit in my suit again. I haven't fit in it since I graduated high school.

I'm not really saying much right now because there's not much to say. I've got a lot of schoolwork to do that I havenn't touched... but I don't care. With the wedding on saturday and monday being Thanksgiving, I probably won't do my cultural theory essay until the night before it's due...

Only thing to report is I'm loving this song - Hello by Schuyler Fisk. It's great. I went on her website yesterday and for some reason I recognized her right away. She played Collin Hanks' girlfriend in the movie Orange County. I don't know how I recognized her right away. Personally, I didn't really like that movie... I think it's because I was TBS every second of the day and they played it sometime over the summer... yea, but anyways, I recommend the song. I love girls that can sing and play acoustic guitar... She can't be better than me though because that would be like cutting off my balls for guitar playing is like my one and only remotely masculine trait.

On a semi-related note, if I could date any celebrity, it would be Dido because I don't think anything could ever touch my heart greater than a girl writing a song about me, and she seems to get heart broken really easy.

I'm skipping class as I type this...

So I forgot to turn on my alarm clock today so instead of my usual 6 o'clock wake up to "Under the Sea" from the Little Mermaid, my mother woke me up at 7:42.

So I quickly got out of bed, got dressed and went out the door only to see that my brother's car was blocking mine. "Great" is all I could think. So I go to my car first to warm it up before moving my brother's to see that my mother had left the window half open. Keep in mind that rained last night, meaning that the driver's side chair was drenched, and now my left leg and left ass check are now thoroughly soaked.

So I drive around the block to move my brother's foggy car and then drive to the station. Traffic is always bad on the way to the station and it was even worse today because one lane wad closed due to construction... but 40 minutes later, I made it to the station, opposed to the normal 20. On the topic of construction, the bus station's parking lot is going through a lot of construction and rennovation, meaning that more than half the spots are being occupied by clumps of dirt and bulldozers, which basically means that I'm out of luck and there are no spots left. So I go from the front parking lot, struggle back on to the street and make my way to the back parking lot. Similarly, to the front, it is full because of the construction. So I have a choice to make... do I go to class or skip? Do I drive to school or go back home?

So I drive to school, through more traffic and even more construction, and passed around 4 McDonald's which tempts my empty stomach with the idea of a sausage McMuffin. I finally get to school at 9:05, pay $8 in parking to the well dressed man at Black Creek Pioneer Village and instead of walking into my tiny class late, I decide to sit here and wait for the class's break so that I can enter without drawing any attention to me. Yea, I'm shy, in case you didn't know.

It feels like I just keep on wasting my days. Even when something good happens, it feels so short and momentary. Nothiing seems to last with me anymore, as if what I do today is so completely unimportant because whatever I do tomorrow will be written on a completely blank state. I don't know what that means, but it sounded smart and it kind of makes sense.

I'm going to a wedding on saturday. I don't really know any of the people there so it could be okay. I don't know. Maybe I should watch Wedding Crashers in hopes to hook-up. Yea, right... I would never do something like that. I'm a great wing man though. I'm a great combination of annoying, humorous, and trusting to the point that girls know they can trust me, but could never see themselves with me. Yea, it sucks being me sometimes.

I wonder why that is? Maybe I'm just not attractive. But aren't I a good guy? I mean, don't I deserve someone. Sure, I'd eventually fuck up the relationship, but don't I deserve the opportunity to fuck it up? Actually, I think this girl I met last week totally liked me... it didn't really dawn on me until later, but I think she kind of liked me. I didn't feel the spark from her actually... I very rarely feel that so it's no big deal. I don't know, she probably just thought I was humorous and thought it was cute, not that I'm cute.

I know a lot of guys who befriend girls in hopes that it will lead to something else, where they think that they can wear the girl down into falling in love with the guy. I'm not like that at all. I have a lot of female friends and with pretty much all of them (except for one who is a girl I once had a relationship and one that I totally have a crush on) I'm just good friends with. If you don't view your friend as an equal then you really aren't friends.

Love would be a lot easier if you could do it by yourself.

The official second draft of my screenplay is done. I cut it down from the original 180 pages to 147, which is a bit more livable, but still feels really long. I was aiming at 120, but I just don't think that that's possible. It's an intellectual, conversational comedy with quick and witty banter so I think the pages won't add up the same way other Screenplays add up, right?

In other news, my favourite show of all time - Newsradio - is now on my favourite channel - TBS. TBS really knows their core audience. Newsradio, Yes Dear... if they ever get Brisco County Jr I will go nuts.

How many people can you honestly love you?

Think about that question for a second or a bit longer and try to come up with an answer.

I was at my cousin's house earlier and I was playing around with my niece all day. She's such a cutie... and as I was about to go home she said "Where you going?" in her cute, 3 year old voice. "I have to go home now," I said, trying my best not to sound condescending because I don't believe in talking down to kids like that. "No, don't go, I love you," she completely breaking my heart. She started clutching at me and giving me a big hug, and I picked her up and said "sorry, baby." And she started to cry. She gave me a kiss and a hug and waved and smiled at me as I walked out the door.

That's a nice story in a lot of ways. As I sat in my computer chair just now, the idea of how much love is thrown my way entered my mind. In my life time, only a handful (honestly, less than five) have said that magical saying to me - "I love you." And of those few that have said it to me, only two of them really meant it and felt it - my niece and my ex-girlfriend.

An old friend of mine once said it to me... I don't know if she meant it as "I love you" as in the idea we are great friends and "I love you" but more so in the vein of you're so odd and quirky and sweet and I love that about you. Did she mean it? I like to think so... but I don't know if it was an "I love you" as much as the "I love your qualities."

So my parents said it. You maybe wondering why I don't believe them... well, here's the simple fact, they never said it to me until I turned 22 years old. And why did they say it to me? Because we got in a big fight over certain things, about who I am and what I need, and I told them that they never told me that they loved me once in my entire life and that it broke my heart. And a few days later they started saying it as if it willy nilly, by at which point it didn't matter to me at all. If I had never mentioned it to them, they never would have said a thing which negates any time they say it from now on because I honestly can't see picturing them meaning it.

My ex-girlfriend... we were in love, we were best-friends, and nothing could ever take away what we meant to each other at different times in our lives. And, I personally think, that if you loved someone for even just a brief flash, that small piece of love will forever remain in your heart until the day you die, and nothing will ever take away the love she put into my life.

And then there's my niece. She said it, and it was sweet and I think she means it to best of her knowledge. I just hope that in a few more years she'll still mean it because I know I'll always love her because for a brief moment today I felt loved and I have not felt that in such a long time. Even if it all fades, ya know, probably by the time she turns 8, well, she'll always be in my heart from this day forward because she truly touches my life.

I just finished watching Ghost World. I was really conflicted watching the movie. It wasn't really me seeing new things in the movie that I hadn't seen before, but I was seeing parts of me that I hadn't seen in a long time... and parts of me I knew at one time existed are no longer there.

There was just so much that I don't know if I'll be able to mention all of it.

Norman - Well, oddly, I had forgotten all about th Norman character. Norman's the old man waiting for the bus. One of the greatest compliments I've ever recieved was from an old friend who once said my writing reminded me of him, in the fact that I was always there for her in some way, some form. I haven't told her about this blog yet. I don't know why. I kind of think that she's out grown me and my writing. If I was the old man waiting for the bus, it seems like I'm still waiting for it.

Enid - Just looking at her, the character Enid (Enid Coleslaw is her full name if you didn't know), she just stirred up a lot of different feelings for me. She, in almost every way shape or form, was my ideal girl... pale skin, dark hair, glasses, sarcastic and bitter and just so loving in an odd way. That was what I wanted. She was the embodiment of it, but I guess that she isn't anymore. Maybe she is, I don't know. At first, she just reminded me of hope and my personal own hopeless in it all. I just kept thinking that I don't have a chance with someone like that or anyone at all, but as the film progressed I can kind of thought that everyone has someone out there for them. Not necessarily that you'll find that person, but there is someone out there for everyone... it's not a matter of finding the one, but finding someone good enough. Enid and Seymore were good enough... they didn't stay together, yes, but if they had, I bet they would have felt satisfied.

Rebecca - I didn't notice this before, but as the movie progresses, she dresses more and more conservatively. It's a nice touch to her character.

In the graphic novel, they always played it off like Enid and Rebecca were equally good looking, but in the film they make it out like Rebecca is the only one worth dating. I don't know, to me, even just physically, I like Enid more. Both are pretty damn gorgeous, in both film and comic form.

I wonder why she doesn't just stay with Seymore? Shouldn't she? I know, it wouldn't be as interesting and it would be really sappy, but I think it should have just happened. She was scared? Scared of what? Scared to move on? But she eventually does. So why not have just stayed?

I love this movie though. I know they'll never make a sequel, but it would be great if they make a better DVD. I'd like to see more stuff with the cast and perhaps a commentary with the key players in the film. I hope it doesn't get lost in the shuffle of the truly great films of this generation. The only other great ones I can think of are Garden State and Lost in Translation.

Lastly, going back to this movie is kind of odd after all these years. It's like seeing an old friend that you used to love and at first you're just really happy they're around, but you might realize that the only thing you had in common was that time. But right now, I still feel like there's still a connection. It's still very much in me. The hope is still in me...