ASC Pt. III

All I want for Christmas is the chance to fall in love because I know that if I was even given the chance I would cherish it like you or I cannot even imagine. It's just the chance that I want. With the chance I know I would make the best of it. If I landed on chance just one more time, I know that every roll I make after that would not land on Go To Jail.

I know I come off desperate and insane... maybe it's because I am, I don't know?

It's over... I know that now. She put me up yesterday just to turn me down. I have to get it through my skull that my dreams won't come true with her... they can't. They won't. It's not what it was to her, and it's not what it was to you... it's just done. It's just different. And it is not love anymore.

I'm in need of hope... It's all up to someone else because I know it's not in me right now.

I'm a little scared right now. I can't pinpoint or explain it. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to wake up to another day and I just want to prolong this kind of odd and awkward feeling for awhile.

I'm strung out and stressed and overwhelmed and underwhelmed... Yea, I know, underwhelmed is not a word. I know it's not because I looked it up.

Why is it this way? Why am I constantly freaking out? Why is it just so horrible.

I need to write a paper by Friday on Inspiration and I can't figure out what to write about. I need to write about a kind of happy feeling. I'm thinking of going back five years and talking about this experience I had a few years ago. I was at work and everything in my day just pinpointed to "Anna"... a vacuum, a song, the word "like"... I think my "essay" should be about "Pinkerton" by Weezer and how for the last ten years it has meant so much to me and in a lot of ways it destructed me, mirrored me, and represented me in so many different ways, in some ways representing me before I ever knew what feelings it was even trying to express.

Okay... here's the outline:

1) Tired of Sex - "Why can't I be making love come true?" - How at 14 years old it really summed up my want, no, my need to fall in love.
2) El Scorcho - Chorus - How, in spite the odd situation, I feel for "Anna".
3) Across the Sea - All of it really - Flash forward five years, I lose her, I want her - the Vacuum.
4) Falling for you - "I'm shaking at your touch" - Forward another year - I fell in love
5) No Other One - How I couldn't let her go
6) Butterfly - the idea that I was probably just as at fault as she was and how I need the hope of falling in love just as much if not more than actually falling in love... and maybe do a cyclical thing with turning it back to Tired of Sex.

Feedback appreciated.

1) I hate it when people say when someone looks like a celebrity. It's like, yea, they kind of have the same hair cut, but that's often all there is. I mean, every redheaded girl with long hair does not look like Laura Prepon... I'm sorry.

2) I can't wait until school is over. I really need to get a job and make some money.

3) I think people mean more to me than I mean to them... cuz I don't think I matter that much to anyone, yet there are some people who I completely rely on for hope.

4) If you haven't seen the picture of me with my niece then you're really missing out.

5) The Angle vs Joe match was very dispappointing.

6) I need to write a 10 page paper on inspiration... I wonder what I'm going to write about.

7) Sometimes I forget how much I want to feel loved... but then it all comes back.

8) Bat Out of Hell III is very mis-leading. I haven't bought it or listened to it and I don't think that I will.

9) I wish I lived in the US and I think that most Canadians also share that feeling. I think a lot of people just stay where they are out of fear... myself included.

10) Supposed "Hot Girls" are often ugly or average at best that either dress nice or spend a lot of time on hair and make-up.

I had no idea what Black Friday was until earlier today... It's kind of life Boxing Day... kind of.

So yea, I think I got my hopes up a little too high the other day. I'm sure I did. I'm pretty sure I'm bound to be alone for the rest of my life. Honestly, I think that it's going to happen this way. When I think of the things I've done, the feelings I felt, and the way I acted upon them, then maybe this is all a result of that... fucking karma.

I don't know. I sometimes feel like a really bad person. I sometimes don't think I've sufferred enough and that's why I'm sad.

In good news, I bought GTA III to play over my vacation so at least I can get away from life for awhile... unless someone else can make me happy for a short period of time.

My French Canadian cohort, George St. Piere beat all American Matt Hughes for the UFC Welterweight Championship. Finally, something for a Canadian to be proud about... come on, we all know we've been sucking lately in sports and even art. Rachel McAdams career has slowed down a bit so let's all go on GSP's bandwagon.

Am I the only boy in the world that really loves combat sports and love stories?

How many people have you kissed?

I was just watching "Yes, Dear" and the episode was about the two couples talking about how many people they've kissed. Greg, the kind of shy and uptight guy, kissed 49 (or 50) girls and then Jimmy, the kind of former ladies' man of the two, said that was a really low number.

50 is low? I wonder if that's true. Kim, Greg's wife, revealed that she kissed seven guys and thought that was a high number.

Wanna know how many girls I've kissed?

Ready...

Ahemm...

One...

Yea, I've only kissed one girl... pretty sad, huh? Well, in the show they talked about how Greg probably askes like 500 girls to kiss him and only like 50 of them did. Am I doing something wrong? People I know always think of it as sweet to be a romantic, and I guess I like that, but going by numbers I think I come off kind of pathetic. I suppose the bright side is that I'm batting a thousand as far as kisses and attempts... good for me.

I guess I just need some practice. At this point in my life I should be thinking about getting married or having kids, not trying to get my kissing stats up... still, in conjuction to yesterday's post, I have hope. Let's hope that my hope does not fade for once.

I know my life could be better in a lot of many different ways, but the truth is I feel better right now than I have in quite a long while.

I have hope!

I honestly have hope... I think that's all I can say for now. I hate when I hold back, but... I just don't want to let it out yet.

The sun will come out tomorrow...
So Today I'll stay inside...

I have class in 8 hours and I have to get up in like six, but I don't feel like sleeping.

I have been bogged down with work and reading and papers and all the bullshit that involves school and I just feel horrible. Just horrible. I mean, I look at what I'm doing and I know, I know that everything I write and read and learn about does not affect me really. I will not use most of the knowledge they throw out at me anywhere. If I become a teacher, I won't teach any of my kids most of this crap... and really, I've learned only one thing in University and that knowledge is best aquired when you love it. The fact is, they don't teach me anything. They kind of know things, then they try to tell you about it, then you have to re-tell them what they just told you so that they can give you a good mark and they'll think you're brilliant for telling them what they already knew... bullshit.

But that's not the worst part... my days are long and meaningless and I get through them. I do most of my work and stuff but then I get home. I get home and I sit here. I lock myself in my room, see who's on MSN or AIM or Yahoo... I ignore my brother as he's dying for attention. But for the most part, I really feel alone. I haven't had a night out in so long. A night where things clicked and made sense... actually, I had one of those last week. Sadly, those smiles seem so long ago, but run vividly in my mind.

I just don't know... I just want this year to end. I just want to get my degree. I want to get out of school for awhile. I want to clear my head. The last five years have just filled my head with information that I really wish I didn't know. I'm sick of english teachers critiquing novels when they couldn't even string three words together on their own. I'm sick of TA's telling me about the brilliance of certain works when they are more in love with the process than the content. And I'm sick of the people I have to deal with on a daily basis who are seeing (or pretending to see) what the Profs and TAs are talking about... because I believe that the focus of the novel has been completely shifted towards something completely detached from the story, from the plot, and the art itself of good writting.

I'm tired and I want to listen to some opera.

A year ago today, a personal hero of mine died in, who I think to be the greatest all around performer of his profession, Eddie Guerrerro. I'd like to say more, but the fact that I'm still thinking about him and shocked about his death a year later sums up my emotions about the man.

I was in a car accident... nothing major. It was one of those moments that just shouldn't have happened. It plays with my mind how the dominos unfortunately fall sometimes.

I have nothing really to say, which is so unlike me. What happened to me? Why am I not sad and depressed and falling apart as I usually at this time of year? Actually, that's not true, my sanity doesn't change with the workload at school, I'm just normally a mess.

I cannot for the life of me get my thoughts together. I spent Friday night working on a Powerpoint Presentation on Inspiration. The sad thing is, I did a really good job, the only thing is it's like, I know my class will probably shit on it and put me down and possibly disagree with me... while other people come in with these stupid presentations about nothing in paritcular, I spent hours upon hours on mine and I'm sure everyone's just going to hate it.

If you're interested in seeing it, I'll post a copy of it online.

I haven't shaved in the longest time. My facial hair is pretty long and sloppy right now. I feel Al Borland... actually, no. His beard was always very neat.

I'm spent.

I love the song "I'm Waiting for the Day" by the Beach Boys so so so much. The lyric "I'm waiting for the day when you can love again" just kills me... kill me to no end.

I'm a little scared to fall in love... not a little scared, but a lot scared. I think I can fall in love now... I think I'm at the very least capable of feeling that emotion, I'm just a bit scared of really going through with it... But scared is good, right? To serisouly feel something right and good and worth living for, you have to be scared because it rocks your entire life, right?

I think it could happen... I think it could make me.

Baby you're the one
You still turn me on
You can make me whole again...

Anyone know this gay song? I love it.

I got this really good idea for a book... at least I think it would be a good idea for a book. I recently purchased "The Complete Works of Jane Austen" and I have this idea about making a book of my incomplete works. It makes sense... just listen...

So you know what the best part of every story is? It's always the beginning and the end. Any idiot, including myself, can have a good idea for a book and make the book ends of the story... it's the middle that usually is borin and uninteresting. So this gets me to my idea... what if I made a compilation of a bunch of first chapters to stories I'd like to write and compile them all into one story. I have so many story ideas and so little time, but if I made a bunch of first chapters, at least I'll have my idea down and it would be cool to compile them together. Or maybe if I wrote a bunch of first chapters and corresponding last chapters, leaving the middle to be thought up by the reader? I'm kind of pumped about this idea... any thoughts?

I really miss doing creative things...

In my mind, I like to see her happy... but I don't think I'd actually like to see her happy because it just makes me feel worse. I doubt she was ever very happy with me...

I want it to be over, but there's just all this lingering in me when I see certain things and hear certain words and tones...

It's been pushed away and pushed down, but I know it still exists - this feeling in me is still there. I don't know what it is. Is it love? Hope? Obsession? Jealousy? Is it her that I want? Is it what she has with him that I want? Is it just love in general that I want? Am I just reminded of what we had? Or what I think we had? Does anyone even care? Does anyone even know what this feels like? Am I the only one in the world this needy for love?

FYI, if you ever want to drive an ex jealous, send them a picture of you kissing someone else...

I should be writing an essay on Jane Austen and the film adaptations of her novel Emma, but I can't. I just can't... there's too much insanity inside of me that comes down to this...

I don't love her anymore.

Yes, I'm writing that here and now... I don't love her anymore. I'm typing this with my eyes closed because it hurts so much to admit. I don't love her anymore... not the way I used and not the way I want to. I love her for what she was to me and the honestly good human being that she is, and even the great friend she continues to be for me, but I no longer love her... I don't love her as the woman I want to spend my life with. I don't love her as the girl I'd want to spend my life. I don't love her the way that I used.

I cannot keep wanting to be with her. I can't. It's not healthy. I can't hold onto this hopeless hope, I suppose you can just call it hopelessness... I can't. It's over. She'll never love me the way I want her to love me, and even if she did, it wouldn't be the same. She would only come to me in fear... or reliability... or comfort... but it would never be real. I could never be as real as it was before... no matter how fake it might have been.

She just got a new piercing... she e-mailed me about it. And it just showed me how far removed from one another's lives we really are now. I love her so much... but I just can't anymore. I'm sorry.

I had a mini freak out this week... I've been breaking down all day. I haven't left the house over the last three days - skipped school, haven't gone to work, haven't read a thing - I just freaked out. It really feels like such a long time since I've had a real good talk with someone. It feels like such a long time since I've just sat and really shot the breeze with someone and wasn't kind of freaked out about the situation or the relationship or something...

An example... well, there's this girl that I spend about 10 hours every Wednesday with. We aren't really friends. We have two classes together and just kind of decided to spend our break together. I didn't really decide to. She kind of just is there and we just kind of hang out... well, the entire time (aside from the 6 hours we spend together in class) I am nervous as hell. I can't really explain it. There are some moments where I just kind of blab about nothing and kind of make her laugh I guess, but that's not real to me. I feel like a stand-up comedian and I'm just doing my routines... I don't feel real at those moments. I feel like I'm playing a character. Not even playing, but I feel like a character myself and I'm unaware of it. I feel like a walking punchline... I am overwhelmed.

But aside from those moments where I'm spouting off at the mouth, there are these silences that seem to last forever for me. When those moments happen, I just freak out in my head and a million things just run through my mind. "Is she board? Is this as akward as it is for me? Is she itching to get away from me?" I just, I don't know if people actually care about me... I feel like no one does at some times. Even when people are nice, I just get these paranoid thoughts about if they're just being polite or something.

Why am I freaking out? I'm totally freaked out... god, I just don't feel real at all right now. There are slight moments of conversation over the last few days that have felt pretty nice and real to me oddly, but for the most part I've just been completely spent from this year of school. I'm overloaded with information that doesn't really impact me and that just kind of makes me sick.

I need a break...

I need a real break...

I want to go somewhere and get away from my life because I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. Sadly, even the things that usually get my head into different places haven't been working - TV, baking cookies or brownies, movies - right now, it feels like there's no escape.

Freak out!

It's sad when you aren't happy with your life and you can't escape...

My day kind of epitomizes why I suck... I stayed in all day, and just kind of sat here doing nothing. I know I should be making the best of off days, but what do I? Where do I go?

I'm really freaking out lately over everything and nothing... I need a hug... Tell me I'm good... Love me if you can...

I know I've written on the topic of love before, but I think I need to reinforce it again... if not for the reader than definietely for myself.

You know how you are when you're young? This blank slate, if you will, waiting to be written and waiting for marks to be made on you? Well, when I was this blank slate I think I was written with permanent chalk of drawings of little hearts and boys and girls holding hands... that's a silly comparison, but I think it makes sense... but in all honesty, I was like totally completely warped into thinking about love. I don't know why. Girls usually blame their older sisters and blame them for renting romantic comedies and forcing them to watch them. Me, I just always rented them for fun. I was never the shoot up type of movie kid... I loved loved stories and well crafted jokes and people kissing and making love and all that good jazz...

My entire high school life, I wrote a lot. I wrote novels and songs and stuff along those lines about people falling in love or almost falling in love or wanting to fall in love... I guess I wrote that way because that's who I am and who I want to be. That feeling stayed with me for years and years... and then it happened...

To make a very long story short...

dun dun dun...

I fell in love. Yea, I really did. I think about it all the time... in fact, I think about it way too much. But yea, at one point, I was really in love. It was a short and beautiful time in my life and it felt like I was in a Meg Ryan movie, a Mark Ruffalo movie... a Bill Pullman movie? I don't know... I've lost track about who the current king and queen of Romantic comedies are.

SO I was in love... we broke up, and it was the worst time of my entire life. I fell into depression. I nearly dropped out, or should I honestly, flunked out of school... no, that's not true. I'm just lazy. But I definitely would have done a bit better if she and I hadn't broken up. But anyways, we broke up and it totally broke me. I lost around 30 lbs in probably under 3 weeks. I was sleeping 12-14 hours a day... thinking about it, sadly, she and I hadn't even broken up yet. We were kind of in this odd state of still being in love and not being sure where it was going to go or how true and powerful our love would be (Overdramatic? Not in this case).

It didn't last... it slowly faded and she broke my heart. The way I see it, she broke my heart. I think hurt her a bit, but the fact is that in all of it, I was the one that got hurt the most. I still hurt to this day... even writing this right now, I'm balling over my keyboard. Fuck, I still love her and I still that special that we had. I know it's over, I know it will never be, but god damn it, I so fucking miss her.

It's been years and in spite of this relationship and this heartbreak, I still think that there's a chance for me to fall in love. The hope is still in me. I don't know how that is, but there's still hope in me. Why? I should fucking give up. I wish I could give up, but you can't hide your honest to god self... if you are something, you are something. I'm a fucking Romantic... point blank.

I don't know what I want in a girl anymore. I'd probably be happy with anyone that could just like me... I haven't met someone who's liked me in awhile...

There's still hope inside me... I'll try to write about who I am now and maybe the girl I'm supposed to be with will have some of these similar traits...

1) I love music... mostly guitar based up beat music or really lush acoustic music.
2) I like TV... I watch a lot of TBS actually. Newsradio, Friends, Gilmore Girls... I don't watch many new shows, but I love old comfortable ones.
3) I also enjoy fighting sports... both Ultimate Fighting and Pro Wrestling. It counter balances the gay TV Shows I like.
4) I'm really superficial... I know, that's not exactly a positive trait, but I am. I'm not going to lie. I don't find most people even remotely attractive, but if I say that you're pretty you have to think that I think that you're pretty damn gorgeous because I'm a very narrow minded person.
5) I don't read much... I really have grown to have novels since starting University.
6) I want to be something artsy... probably a write.
7) But I would be happy being a teacher :)
8) I have really big feet.
9) I like growing out my hair and giving it to cancer kids.
10) I play guitar really well, drums okay, and piano quite poorly.
11) I'm really shy... even when I like you, I'm very shy. I'm shy to call people or even IM people. I always feel like I'm bothering people.
12) I'm blind... my vision is just so so so bad.
13) I bake the world's greatest cookies.
14) I love coffee... sadly, I think my cafiene addiction is what causes my horrible headaches, but to love me is to love my headaches and my coffee.
15) I like cartoons.
16) I love my god daugther and I do believe she is the most gorgeous kid on earth.

That's it for now... my head is caving in.

I had this really weird dream involving the reture of "Chapelle's Show" and being in a hotel and having people play with the shower and comics and dvds were under the bed and there was bubble tea in my room and I threw it up... it was weird.