ASC Pt. III

In my first online Journal about a million enteries were entitled love, and now it seems I'm entitling a lot of them sex.

I realized tonight that I've never really talked with anyone about sex... like really talked about it. In the past, before I lost my flower, my ex and I would talk about it, but at the time I was just so innocent and thought that it was all the same. Things have changed... that was along time ago (July 2, 2003 to be exact) and I'm different. One, I've had sex in the past and I quite miss it. It's like I've grown my virginity back... It's like I'm a born again virgin except it's not by choice like most troubled teens go about it. But more than just missing it, I've never really talked about my experience with someone before. Anna, after we did it, she felt kind of awkward talking about it, especially now that we're broken up and claims to not remember it very well (jeez, that's good for my ego). The situation is really muddled with selective memory at this point so I don't blame her for not wanting to talk about it.

But honestly, I can't imagine talking to any guy friends about sex. It's gay talking to guys about sex. I don't want it to be like one of those locker room moments where you go on about your pasts conquests. She wasn't a conquest to me. She was... she was... she was the love of my life. You talk about fucking some drunk girl at a club after a game of basketball, you do not go on about making love with the girl of your dreams after a game of 3 v 3.

And with my female friends, all of them seemed to find it really awkward for me to talk to them about sex. I guess they just didn't want to hear about it... I don't know why. I told people like "Hey, I lost my virginity and it was the greatest moment of my life", but I dunno... I feel like there's a lot of sexual repression in me that I'd like to get out... not really through action (cuz we all know that won't be happening any time soon) but at least through talking about it. It's still completely pent up... pent up to the point that I can't even talk about it here in my most private of thoughts...

Well, I'll take a baby step... I lost my virginity seconds after my first kiss.