ASC Pt. III

How many people can you honestly love you?

Think about that question for a second or a bit longer and try to come up with an answer.

I was at my cousin's house earlier and I was playing around with my niece all day. She's such a cutie... and as I was about to go home she said "Where you going?" in her cute, 3 year old voice. "I have to go home now," I said, trying my best not to sound condescending because I don't believe in talking down to kids like that. "No, don't go, I love you," she completely breaking my heart. She started clutching at me and giving me a big hug, and I picked her up and said "sorry, baby." And she started to cry. She gave me a kiss and a hug and waved and smiled at me as I walked out the door.

That's a nice story in a lot of ways. As I sat in my computer chair just now, the idea of how much love is thrown my way entered my mind. In my life time, only a handful (honestly, less than five) have said that magical saying to me - "I love you." And of those few that have said it to me, only two of them really meant it and felt it - my niece and my ex-girlfriend.

An old friend of mine once said it to me... I don't know if she meant it as "I love you" as in the idea we are great friends and "I love you" but more so in the vein of you're so odd and quirky and sweet and I love that about you. Did she mean it? I like to think so... but I don't know if it was an "I love you" as much as the "I love your qualities."

So my parents said it. You maybe wondering why I don't believe them... well, here's the simple fact, they never said it to me until I turned 22 years old. And why did they say it to me? Because we got in a big fight over certain things, about who I am and what I need, and I told them that they never told me that they loved me once in my entire life and that it broke my heart. And a few days later they started saying it as if it willy nilly, by at which point it didn't matter to me at all. If I had never mentioned it to them, they never would have said a thing which negates any time they say it from now on because I honestly can't see picturing them meaning it.

My ex-girlfriend... we were in love, we were best-friends, and nothing could ever take away what we meant to each other at different times in our lives. And, I personally think, that if you loved someone for even just a brief flash, that small piece of love will forever remain in your heart until the day you die, and nothing will ever take away the love she put into my life.

And then there's my niece. She said it, and it was sweet and I think she means it to best of her knowledge. I just hope that in a few more years she'll still mean it because I know I'll always love her because for a brief moment today I felt loved and I have not felt that in such a long time. Even if it all fades, ya know, probably by the time she turns 8, well, she'll always be in my heart from this day forward because she truly touches my life.