ASC Pt. III

I just came from work a little while ago. I ate at Wendy's after work and had urge for chilli... yea, red meat from a fast food restaurant cannot be good for me.

So I order my $1.39 and decide to dine at the local Tim Horton's / Wendy's and also drank a double double from Tim's. So I'm sitting there and see this guy, an older gentleman, slightly over weight and dressed really sloppy. He was like a plumber or something according to his shirt. As I watched him scraf down a classic single a million thoughts went through my head. I'll try to recapture my thought process:

"I don't want to end up like that guy. He looks so alone. I don't want to be like that guy, middle aged, no friends, no wife, no kids, pathetic... I don't want that. Even if I ever found someone to love, I don't think I could get married because I don't know if anyone would ever compare with any. And even if I did go through with the marriage, I would probably end up getting divorced because I don't think I can love anyone the way that they need to be. I would love to love, but I don't know if I could... and say I get married and she dies. How could I go on with my life? How?"

Even writing this, I'm filled kind of a sadness... I can't explain it. I'm scared. I'm scared of loving again and really scared of losing that if it ever happens... I just really would love to have a chance.