ASC Pt. III

I've lost track of the days. I remember waking up on monday and thinking it was Wednesday. I just woke up and I really had no idea what day it was until I checked my computer. All I knew was that I had a class.

My routine is simple - wake up, go to class, not pay attention, go home...

I can't wait to finish school... I really need a break. I think I'm gonna travel next year since I probably won't go to teacher's college just yet. I don't know... maybe I should go to college right away.

God... I can't believe I made that deadline. This is the last year I see things happening for me and if it doesn't happen, I will lose all hope, I know it. I'm going to graduate and after that... what? I never wanted to graudate. I always thought I'd have found something better before the end of university and it looks like I won't. I won't find a single thing because 24 years of lonliness just isn't going to change. I'm fucked up on the inside... and not very pretty on the outside. But I have to let it out... I have to change. But I don't want to change. I like myself, and with all hope someone out there can like me too... someone out there will understand me too. This isn't even about love or the romance or relationships... it's the big picture. It's the life I've always wanted. It's the future I must construct for myself... but my future has always been about falling in love.

Plan A was to fall in love, huh? I just realized that... it had nothing to do with careers or anything else. It was just to fall in love. It wasn't about becoming a teacher or a writer or a musician or any of that. It was always to fall in love. I've worked so hard on plans B through Z - 2, that I haven't given plan A a chance. In fact, I think Plan A will just fall into my life. You know, I've never even asked a girl out? How fucking pathetic. I'm shy... girls intimidate me. The world intimidates me. And there really aren't that many I can see myself with... many even sounds like an overstatement.

Must go to school... must listen to Pet Sounds on Repeat. Must keep on Wishin' and Hopin' like Dusty would say... funny to say Dusty in a non-wrestling context.

I might BBQ today... last one of the year probably so pass by if you'd like.