ASC Pt. III

So I've been rearranging my room all day after buying "How I Met Your Mother" Season One on DVD. I've really enjoyed this show, but I usually miss it on mondays because last year I usually worked and this year I have a late class (Which I thankfully often skip).

I've 2/3 of the first season and it's left me in tears... not just out of laughter. I dunno... When I see people fall in love on TV it just makes me feel like it's fruitless in real life. I don't know if I could ever feel that or have those great moments out of TV and movies... but then I remember that I did... and that makes me think how probably nothing I ever do will compare with those special times.

I'm on the episode where Victoria moves to Germany and Ted (The Bob Saget version of him) says that long distance doesn't work. Well, he's right. I think everyone that has a long distance relationship believes that he or she will somehow beat the odds... yea, you know what, some people do, but realistically I'm sure that most people do not because either they have to figure out a way to be together or just give up... or maybe they fall for someone else in the meantime.

I held onto it for so long and though it was so long ago, a part of me, a gigantic part of me still holds on to her. I cannot let go of her. I cannot let go of the one thing that ever made sense to me. The one and only time I ever listened to my heart was the one and only time I was ever happy. I said "Fuck off" to logic. I didn't think. I just did what every piece of my heart told me to do. I gave her everything inside of me. All of my thoughts, my dreams, my future... and she left me with nothing.

I didn't just have a long distance relationship. I had a long distance affair with a married woman. Aren't I a horrible person? Fucking karma, I suppose... I know I've written something along those lines before, probably repeatedly, but I can't help but feel like I deserve this pain.

I haven't poured myself open like this in awhile.

Why does it still hurt so much. I can't help but feel horrible when I really think about her and us and just love in general, even my life in general.

I don't know if I wrote about this yet, but I was watching this show on TLC about a couple from somewhere in my area (who were really good looking BTW) who had a child that had primordial dwarfism. And when the baby was born, the doctors looked at their child and knew that something was wrong (she was really tiny) but they had no idea what was wrong. They couldn't tell the couple anything. And the couple kept talking about how scared they were said something along the lines of - Imagine planning your life around something or someone. They were planning the rest of their lives to raise this child, love this child, and take care of this child, and as she was about to start her life, she might have been taken away from them. Imagine just planning your life and having it taken away from you.

That's exactly how I felt. I planned my life around her. Not just my future, but my everyday life. I planned my classes to have more time to talk to her. I took days off from both school and work for her. I really stayed in school partly because I wanted some kind of life for the two of us... and it was all taken away from me.

I don't blame her. It ended and I live with that... I guess that's the sad part - I live with it. I live with it everyday and I wish I didn't have to.

But yea... I live with much too much remorse. I wish I could trust again. I'm so on guard about everything. I'm probably more social and sociable now, but in reality I feel more distant from people on the whole. This year, I've met a lot of people, but I really don't like anyone (from school) and it just seems so stupid. I hate having this useless conversations about nothing... I think that's why I'm actually doing well in school this year - Unimportant things have become priorities to me. I miss life.

I miss Nicole... I really liked her. I'm so shy about contacting her. She kind of reminds me of Victoria on How I Met Your Mother (do you like how I bring it back full circle). She kind of has her same look. Kind of has bright aura, radiance about her, and has a little lazy eye. Is it fucked that I noticed her lazy eye and still find her ever so beautiful? I dunno... in the new year I'm gonna find her and see her around campus and will gladly skip class just to hang out with her, if possible. Thank God facebook makes it easy to stalk someone (kidding... I'm using it as a tool to meet a friend, not to follow her around). Yea, I'm lonely... it's just, over the last few years, she's maybe one of two people I've some kind of connection with and I'd like to sit and talk with her again. It's cute, right?

I have to get away from here before I hurt myself because the more I just sit here, the more things get to me and hurt me...

I don't know when or if I'll be back but for now and for, at the very least, the next little while, I will be away... or AFK as some might say... or type.

I'm sure I'll be around.

I don't know where I am, but it feels like the world is moving a lot faster than I am.

My niece, who, if you've known me for about two seconds would know, is the light of my life... but something that feels odd to me is the fact that I often don't remember she's alive... let me explain.

A few years ago, when everything went to shit and everything kind of imploded on me, my niece wasn't born yet. And the moment that I turned myself off, when I decided to numb myself and stop feeling pain and not deal with the problem, my life completely froze. I sometimes think I'm still 22. I still see myself living in my old house. I still see her and I being in love sometimes. I still see things the way they used to be because since the end happened, I haven't really been able to proceed.

I'm kind of going on and it doesn't feel like it's making sense... I want it to go on, but I can't... like my life feels stuck and I need a nudge in the right direction or any direction...

I guess it's too late...

But "Dark Side of the Rainbow" is the exact reason why I'm - ahem - "Straight-edge". Okay, I don't drink, smoke or do drugs because of the stupid affects it has on your mind such as this... seeing things that aren't really there. It's fucking ridiculous...

In case you don't know what this is, it's the idea that you mute the Wizard of Oz and play Pink Floyd's Darkside of the Moon in the background and that some of the bullshit in the music syncs up to the movie.

Stuff like this just aggrevates me... yes, I've known about this for quite sometime, but it just bugs me. 1) I hate Pink Floyd and 2) I love the Wizard of Oz... so by doing this, it just ruins something that I love. It's like, if you watched this stupid concept while you were straight, you wouldn't for a second think of how anything relates.

What's the point in seeing things that aren't really there?

Okay... I'm done. I'll put more of my straight philosophies into writing some other time... I'm tired and no one's up to keep me company.

I have this idea about a speech a girl will make at the end of a movie where she doesn't want to let the guy go and says something about missing him and having trouble falling asleep without the sound of him mashing the buttons on their Playstation playing Grand Theft Auto.

So I've become somewhat addicted to facebook. I don't know what it is, but it's just so much easier to search for people on there. I find it weird how I find people on there and I wonder "Oh, I haven't heard from this person in awhile. Maybe I should add them?" I usually don't because, ya know, I'm shy... so I'm here to say, if you want to add me, go ahead. But other than that, it's just kind of weird to see people you haven't heard about or thought of in years and just see a tiny picture of them and not even being able to see their profile. There are a few people I see their pictures and just have thoughts... I will not reveal names, just vague ideas of them

- A Cult member - there was this guy I was kind of relatively close friends with in high school. As close of a friend that I could get because, as I've previously stated, I'm really shy, and even more than that, I'm difficult to open up. Anyways, I see his picture now, and knowing who he was, I'm kind of reluctant to get in touch with him again. He was just such a hardcore devoted Catholic and I've always been agnostic (at best). Actually, today, I think I've found a piece of God that I can connect with in which I can say, "Yea, I do believe in God" however, I really don't have any faith in any organized religion, especially Catholicism... no offense to anyone that might. Anyhow, I just don't feel like messaging out of fear of him asking me to go on bible retreats again because I really do not have time or patience for that.

- A girl I kind of had a crush on - so there was this girl that for a little while, I remember somewhat having a crush on. It was a good few weeks that we just were talking a lot at school, sometime before graduation, and we just kind of got along. She was nothing like the kind of girl that I usually liked. One, she was Asian, and I am very rarely attracted to Asians. And two, she was kind of an optimistic person, which is quite different from myself. Also, I had actually known her from the first grade and was just getting to know her, which I found kind of odd. Something that most girls I find myself attracted to have this in common - they're always dating someone... and she was too, so there was no surprise there when I found out that she had a boyfriend. It was no big deal. I just saw her picture and it kind of all came flooding back in my mind.

- The girl I had a crush on for my entire high school life - so I saw a picture of this girl I had a crush on for pretty much all of high school... Goddamn, she still looks pretty damn pretty. I think it was just simple transference to why I liked her, transferring my feelings for "Anna" on to her because 1) She was near by, 2) She liked the Beatles and 3) She was really pretty. I'm sure if I saw her today I'd still pop a boner and jump at the chance to make out with her, but the "crush" like feelings I had are pretty much non-existent, ya know, other than the fact that she's still hot.

- A former best-friend - there's this guy I was best-friends with in fifth grade and I saw him at school a few years ago and saw his picture today and just wonder how we went from being so close to being, really, absolutely nothing to one another. I bet one day he'll see my picture and probably think the same thing about me... I wonder what he's up to. I really think he's doing good because, like me, he was kind of seen as someone who might amount to a lot back in elementary school. But look at me now, pretty much a failure at life, so maybe he is to? I don't wish it upon him because he really never did me wrong, but I just wonder if he went down the same shitty street that I did.

- The class slut - I had heard a lot about this girl being the class slut. I never experienced her first hand, but I always heard that she got around. Just saw her pic and thought about her stereotype. She's still nothing special to look at...

- The golden girl - there was this girl that a lot of people liked, this one guy particularly, and I saw her pic up there. She's just another person I wonder about if they've made something of themselves or not.

That's about all the thoughts I had with that page of Facebook. There are other people I will mention later on, I'm sure.

I'm finally back home. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I've been out of town at my cousin's place over the last few days. It's weird. As he was driving me home, in my mind I kept picturing "home" as my old house. I thought about laying down on my bed and reading a book. I still picture the kind of yellowish feel to how everything looked because of the lights... it's been about a year a half, yet that still feels like my home and I guess forever will until I really find a life of my own.

A life of my own? When will that happen? It feels like never. I remember writing once "I'm not sure if I'm incapable of being loved or incapable of loving someone else." I'm pretty sure I'm incapable of being loved and, with that, am incapable of loving someone else. I really feel like it's done for me, I've missed my chance, and I'm never going to get another one. No offense to anyone else my age, or possibly over, because I'm sure most of you are attractive and fun... but there is something wrong if you're not in a serious relationship by like, let's say, 25... I'm 24 now, and I've got a few months to get there... but by 25, don't you ever think "Why hasn't it happened by now?" And even if you might be really cool and / or pretty, then you look at what's available to you and it's either people who are complete slackers and / or morons or people far too young for you to look at and / or could never think of you in that way. (Aside: Sorry for the and / or that kept coming up)

I don't know... Pretty much everyone I know is in a relationship and that's good for them, but for me, it makes me kind of sad. In a few years, I'm sure most will still be together and probably married or about to be. They'll probably have kids and have jobs and have something worth living their lives for. Me? I'll probably still be on here writing about how hopeless I feel, but this underlying optimism keeping me from completely giving up.

I hate having hope because it makes me think that someday it will all be better, while after all this time it's only gotten worse.

I wanted to compare myself to a lawyer that waits for ambulances - you know, ambulance chaser - but I'm too tired to be that clever right now. So I'll just end with this - Freedom of speech is one thing, the word penis is another.

I'm sick of myself when I look at you
Someone so beautiful and true - Matthew Sweet

I'm down. I can't get around it. My thoughts are just so sad and down and depressed. I want out.

It's 9:30 am, my first day of winter break (minus those two days for exams) with Regis & Kelly on in the background and I find myself in tears... yea, my day has just begun as I just woke up a few minutes ago, and I find my self crying? I'm fucking emotional.

Is it better if someone's out of sight and out of mind? Like, will it all just go away if I just never hear from someone again? This oddly is not about the usual person I usually write these things about. It's about this girl I was kind of obsessing over with last year... I like her, plain and simple, but more than that... I just really really really like her. And, I saw her last week and I thought "Man, I've missed her so much." It seems like I've been trying my best to forget about a lot of things over the course of this semester... just so many things. Purposely or not, this out of sight of mind thing was working for me. I wasn't thinking about Anna as much since we're both so busy and can hardly find the time for one another. When the semester first started, I found my self searching high and low for this girl, but then I just kind of gave up my search, then, BAM!, on my last wednesday of the year, there she was, outside of my morning class at the start of my 4 1/2 break...

So why the tears now? I guess... well, I'll get into it. I just signed up for facebook... yea, it's the latest craze... and I searched for her profile (Yea, I'm such a stalker). And there she was, all pretty and stuff... and then I was reminded that last week, when I saw her, she said that she was going to e-mail me and that we should do something. She didn't e-mail me. Granted, this is "suicide week" so she must be busy. Myself, I've had 20+ pages of essays, an exam, and a number of essay proposals to write for the winter semester to write within the last week, so, she's probably been just as busy as I've been. But, I've been checking my mail, and not just my inbox, but also my spam folder just in case her message ended up there. So yea, it hasn't. So maybe she just kind of said that as a means to get out of the situation and leave... however, she did have my e-mail set to memory, though she's never e-mailed me before, so that could be a good sign, right? I dunno...

I guess I'm going to give it a week or so, and I'll add her on facebook because, no matter how you think of it, she'll never be out of sight as she's always on my mind.

P.S. that last line was just really pretty, not necessarily true.

It was my last day of class today, making it the first day of winter vacation... Good stuff.

Looking at my life, I see how overwhelmed and tired I am. I'm completely feel swamped with work and more than ever, not thinking about myself. I don't feel very important right now. Nothing really does. I'm just kind of going through it... and oddly, I'm probably in a better mind set now than I have been in a long time. I'm not as unhappy I suppose, as I'm not thinking about my current or past state. I'm just submerged in my work and my readings and my essays... all of which don't matter much to me.

Maybe I should think about where things are right now?

"What are you doing next year?" a girl I don't really know asked me that last week. I told her "Either working or killing myself." Everyone laughed, but the truth is, I don't know what I"m doing next year. I want to go to teacher's college, but I haven't even applied yet and applications are due next month and I don't know what I"m doing and i have no volunteer work under my belt... so I'm pretty much screwed. I do need to save some money to pay back my loans... and more than anything, I'd really like a better life... ya know, socially. Yes, I, even after all these years and many different versions of this blog... I still want to fall in love. I don't know if I've ever really felt it. I think I have, but it's a little hard to recall now that it feels so long ago and so far away.

Is there someone around the corner?

I don't think so... I just don't see it working out for me. I haven't met someone I've even remotely clicked with in a long time. I don't know. It seems like since I haven't found someone by now, then I probably won't find someone ever... is that reasonable to say? And where will I find this girl? Sitting at home blogging my life away... sorry blogger, I do love you.

So where does it go from here? I still want her, whoever she might be... but I guess she doesn't want me, whoever she might just probably does not want me. Who on eary would want me? I wouldn't... in fact, I guess if someone did like me I'd think "Why on earth do you like me? What's wrong with me?" Damn my self-esteem...

Her picture stares in my eyes
An image in an ideal world

It's weird how there are some people, sometimes you get really close to them and sometimes you just get close enough that you want to get close to them, and they just kind of invade your thoughts. They create a desire, a pain, a power, a need, a lack... they make you realize how much you don't have in your own life and you kind of associate them with filling that lack.

So there's this girl. She makes me feel this way... she's killing me right now reminding me of what I'm missing in my life. I don't know who or what or how or when I might fill it... but it is not close at all.

I woke up this morning clutching my pillow and crying... In spite the fact that I've thought about nothing else except school - Inspiration, the pastoral, cultural studies... - I, on this last day of school, over worked and under-inspired find myself still dreaming of love.

IT'S MY LAST DAY OF CLASS!!!

I still want the life I dream about... maybe it isn't real, but it doesn't make me want it any less.

She is in my eyes
She is in my ears
She is in my blood
She is in my fears
I must be
Made of steel
For I just threw out the love of my dreams