ASC Pt. III

I think I'm getting sick. I've been kind of grumpy all day and my voice has been pretty damn weak. God, kill the fact that I have a staff meeting at 8:45 tomorrow morning. 8:45 on a sunday? Whatever...

I lost my Gameboy... I can't find it anywhere sadly.

I'm in need of some comfort right now and everyone I know is either busy or far away. I think I need to watch a movie... since I've been listening to Pinkerton everyday again, I should probably pop Ghost World into my DVD player... or maybe I should look for the DIVX rip I downloaded before I bought the actual DVD which I watched on repeat for a good few months.

Enid we never really knew each other anyways - Enid by Bare Naked Ladies

Empire Records quote - Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear?

I love that movie... at least I used to. When I was 12 or 13, i just absolutely loved that movie. A pre-Jerry MaGuire Rene Zellwegger looking oh so hot, a great soundtrack featuring an extremely underrated bad called the Gin Blossoms, and of course, Liv Tyler in a mini kilt.

Those were the days... the mid 90's, my pre/early teens. Things meant something to me, things improving or at least on the change. But the quote just popped into my head earlier because I all I can really think about are my own thoughts. Let me explain...

It feels like every thought I've ever had, every dream I ever dreamt, every feeling I've every felt... it's like I've already felt them before and, some of harsher feelings, feel like they've been stretched out over a long period of time.

The heartbreak...

The Sadness...

The broken down qualities...

It sucks. I know, I'm the type to dwell, but it's like I asked to be this way. I don't know if people ever really change... like really. I think in their core, people remain somewhat similar to who they were at 12, 13, 14.

I just watched Jackass Number Two (hilarious by the way) and do you think those guys are much different now then they were back when they were making the first movie? The TV show? Their teenage years? These guys had it right. They knew when they were happiest and they stayed there. Why do you have to grow up? Why do you have to change? You don't. You really don't and you really shouldn't. Because maybe it's good to feel the comfort in all my same old feelings. I'm not going to find any new feelings. Even if I fell in love again, it would still just be love again... a great feeling, but a feeling I've already had. Maybe after the first time it gets wartered down.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore... I think throughout the course of writing this my thesis changed once I started talking about Jackass... at first I was feeling really down about the same old things, but now I'm thinking it's not sad bad.

Maybe we are who we tried to be when we were trying to discover ourselves because underneath every mask is your real face, even if it's covered in make up...

Gina: What is this? Some sort of joke?
Deb: No, you're the joke.

And with that Empire Records quote, I'm done for now.

There's this line I keep coming back to every once in awhile.

You never stop loving someone, you just learn to live without them

I just woke up from this horrible dream. In it, I was a lot older... maybe in my 30's. I had a job, a business man of some kind working in an office. Then i got in my car and went home to some little ugly apartment. I was alone, no wife or kids or dog... and then all of a sudden I'm in San Jose, it's raining and I'm walking to Anna's house. It was probably another 5 year interval for us because things between her and I always happened in 5 year gaps... we started talking when I was 15... we fell in love when I was 20... I'm about to turn 25 so something must happen... and I guess 30 this dream is an estimate of that. Anyways... I'm standing by her house and I just want to see her, talk to her for a little while and maybe give her hug. I want to tell her I'm still in love with her without telling her words, ya know. Even though she knows my heart is always on the chopping board, I have to make her see it sometimes. So I'm standing by the window and I look in. Her kids were all grown up. She looked a bit older, but still looked so good. And she was kissing her husband looking Christmas Card happy. I didn't knock on the door and didn't even let her know I was in town. I was walking back to the crappy hotel I had actually stayed at when I was there when I woke up.

What does this mean other than the obvious? I don't know. I think it's probably that no matter how much I want to fall in love, I know it will never happen because in spite of the slight crushes I have on pretty girls in my classes and the fact that my life practically revolves around the idea of spending my life with someone, the truth is my one true shot at love and happiness died the day that I lost her.

I'm sorry for the bleakness so early in the morning. I'm already late for school and I'm a little too sad to eat healthy right now because I'm in desperate need of a pick me up. Fuck two milks and two sweetners... give me a real double double... cream and sugar and maybe a boston cream on the side.

Fuck, time for Inspiration class... I hate the guy presenting today. For someone who talks so much he doesn't have anything to say. I will tear him a new one today.

Quote - "By definition a crush must hurt and they do... just like the one I have on you" - Long Island by That Dog

I think this maybe a must read from me.

My class just went over something today that I found quite interesting... Okay, I didn't actually read the book or the verse or the dialogue or whatever it was, but the way it was explained to me was quite interesting and something I see a lot of in my own life.

The line is as simple as this

"I Sing The Woods"

What on earth does that mean? It seems a little odd and vague and high brown and pretencious and Frasier, but I will try my best to explain the situation.

So what does this dense line say? Or at least, what does this one line begin to explain? Well, it relates to the idea of experience and belonging to a moment. Imagine if you will going to a concert with a friend. In fact, let's make it a bit more specific and let's make the concert... oh, I don't know... Weezer. Yes, I always use Weezer so let's keep on theme here. So imagine you go to a concert with a friend and as you're there with him or her, you lives are kind of connected by this event. You aren't you, and he or she isn't she, you're both part of something greater. You're a part of the audience. You're a part of the assembled mass that has come to worship the lines "I think I'd be good for you and you'd be good for me." And for that hour or so, you're together as one. But once the music stops... well what are you?

When the music stops, you're not part of the audience anymore, you're not connected to the music anymore, and you're back to being yourself, back to being an individual. You're no longer a part of something good or greater than you, you're back to just being one person.

Say quite sometime goes by and you lose track of the person you went to this concert with. You know, things happen, maybe you end up going to different schools or you graduate and you stop corresponding or maybe one of you moves across the country or maybe you just lose each other somehow... hey, it happens. And say that one day you're just walking down the street and you bump into this person, very out of the blue. You talk about things, you try to catch up and see what the person has become in that time... and eventually, if the concert was good (and what Weezer concert could be bad if they happen to in fact have played El Scorcho) you remember back to the concert. You may remember it really well, or maybe they saw the whole thing in a completely different light from you, maybe they didn't like it or maybe one of you remembers a lot of details or the other remembers those little details differently. Essentially, the two people you were at the concert no longer exist. They exist at that time, at that concert, during that song... but you're different now. You're two different people that can never go back to that song.

Isn't that sad? It reminds me of a lot of differnt people... Nicole is one. I wanna see her again, but it makes me think that she and I are just two people that existed in a shakespeare class from a year ago that liked watching Video On Trial and liked referencing movies from the mid-90's "Give me back my Son!" It reminds me of Lauren... she'll always be tied to that seminal part of my life where I was just so happy and in love and she was the only one I could talk to about it all. And while I'm still struggling with El Scorcho, I'm sure she's moved on to new artists and new songs. And then finally I think of Anna. We'll always exist in the world of technology and mass communication and pearson international and The Journey's End and The Quality Inn and Riverside Park and New Year's Day... My life hasn't changed at all since then, it's just situation between her and I is different. I think perhaps I've clung on to so much of what I was back then because in essence I don't want to let go of her. So much around me has changed... I moved houses, I have a new bed, the car we drove around in now belongs to my cousin... just so much has changed. But when I hear the lines "I think I'd be good for you and you'd be good for me" or "I need help and you're way across the sea" for a moment, for a brief flash I can feel what she meant to me and how important that entire time was to me... the briefness fades fast, but for that short instant flash, I can love her again.

Words and dreams and a million screams
Oh how I need a hand in mine to feel

I'm starting to think that I write way too much in here for anyone to read... I should slow down with my posts, but I just get really pent up sometimes I've got to let it drop somewhere.

It's 7:41 on a Wednesday. I've been up since quarter to six, that's 5:45 for those of you who can only read digital clocks. I'm alone in one of the most busy common rooms in the school. I like the peace and softness of the area at this time of day, though the fans from my laptop are quite loud and I can hear vague construction outside the window.

THere's another guy on the other side of the room. It's a large room so if he's as blind as me might not be able to see me. He's usually here on Wednesdays too. I don't know who he is or what's his major, but there is something that we have in common and that we're both here every wednesday morning.

I think back to a year ago, I used to look forward to Tuesdays every week. There was a friendly face there for me to see each and every week. I don't really have that this year. There's no one I really look forward to see. Yea, I've got some "friends" and one particular friend who I haven't seen in about a year, but it's not the same as it was last year with Nicole. God, I've been bitching about her for the last few months and I feel like the biggest idiot for having lost touch with her. Why am I so stupid? I suppose if I knew that, I wouldn't be so stupid.

But none the less, it's still wednesday morning and I have around 11 more hours to go before I can go home. I've got three hours of cultural studies, a 4 and a half hour break where I hope download and watch Extreme Championship Wrestling as well last night's season premiere of Gilmore Girls (Quite a range of interests I have). But if things don't go by plan, here's what I want to have happen.

I go to the computer, but before I go in I decide to get a cup of coffee, a double double from Tim Horton's, and then I'll run into Nicole in line. Her eyes will light up for a second and say "Hey," as she often does. I'll smile for a little while and try to hold back how excited I am to see her. I'll ask her about her summer and her classes this year and if she has time to get lunch or something. Hopefully, she'll say yes and we'll make this a weekly thing... then I'll secretly pine after her for the year, lost track of her after the semester, we'll graduate, and I'll never see her again...

Oh pesimism is grand at the end of such high hopes...

I can't sleep... I have class in about 8 hours and I have to get up 2 hours before that just to go to the damn bus station. I hate wednesdays. I hate a lot of things I guess, but Wednesdays seem to top it... that's not true.

I just can't get it out of my head how little faith I have in humanity and my future. Any hope I had about a month ago just seems to dwindle more and more by the day. But the sad thing is, I'm not getting sad about it, I'm just so "meh" about it. Because that's the way it is. I've been hurt so many times before that my heart has grown a callice to the pain of it all.

I dont' want to be let down anymore. The constant let down just goes farther and farther down until you finally hit rock bottom, and I think I may have finally hit that. I don't know if it can get down anymore. If it hasn't changed by now, then when will it ever?

I'm 24 years old and in all my life I only remember one short period of time when I was happy. One short period of time. Ever since then, it's just been sad and depressing, my seemingly infinite amounts of optimism just dwindling every once in awhile, but it all seems fruitless and gone by this point.

I wish I had a hero, a mentor, someone to look up to. Someone to look at and say, that person did, so why can't I? No one's done it. No one's lived a life like mine. The fact is, everyone's life is unique upon themselves. There aren't many universialities left. We'll never exist in a group. At least I won't because I never have. I've never fit in. I never a good close group of friends in high school, or was in any groups or clubs or teams. I'd always be slightly on the fringe to the point that it was like was there, but it didn't matter if I wasn't. That seems to sum up who I am... It wouldn't really matter if I wasn't there.

I want it still... but I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

The only person you can really depend on is yourself...

I don't love anyone enough to let them hold my life in their hands even with the simplest and easiest decisions in my life because time and time again I have been let down. It's as if everyone is out to get me and it's all some big joke... or maybe it's the stupidity of humanity that just leaves me feeling this way right now.

It's just so stupid... so I was told I need to lose weight and get in shape and all of this shit by my doctor, and I tell my parents this and I ask my mother if she can help me out by cooking healthier for me and stuff... and so she's been making me sandwiches, and i'm like alright, if she wants to, and she's been filling it with such crap and I didn't even notice. I know this may sound stupid, but it has me extremely pissed off. I mean, this is my mother and I'm asking her for help and she's just so stupid. The fact is, that I might be dying... okay, my doctor has all of this shit in the air and he's telling me it could be nothing, but I just have to try and get in better shape and my mother does this to me in an attempt to help me.

I'm blowing up over something so stupid, but I know, I know as a fact, that this in many ways is the root of all my problems... the stupidity and lack of love by the people who are supposed to care about you the most is just such a let down.

My parents have just been so bad to me my entire life. I'm saying that point blank. Some might say, hey, they didn't beat you or abuse you in anyway. Wow, woopity-doo... what an accomplishment, not beating your kids. How about the fact that they've never told me that they love me until I had to tell them to, and which by that point it made it even harder to ever believe? How about the fact that my parents turned away the one girl I ever loved, and the beef between them led to the end of our relationship? How about the fact that my entire life they've lived to me? From the day I was born, my parents have been lying to me.

It's moments like this that I know I have to get out of here... like I've made this prison within myself, but the problem is that they've warped me into thinking that I can never make it on my own. That I'm never going to be good enough for anything or anyone. That world is out there and everything I want to grasp, I never will.

My spirit was broken the day I was born and it's times like these that I wish I had someone I could lean... like a parent or something..

Finally, my year really feels like it begins as the Gilmore Girls season premiere is on my TV as I type this (okay, it's on commercial, actually).

I hope it doesn't get bad this year... they've gone so far without sucking that this might be the year

I thought everyone, at least all Canadians knew what a double double was... please respond to this whether or not you know what I'm talking about. Also, it's not basketball related.

Expect this to be the first of many enteries entitle "Love".

In past journals under the ASC banner, the topic of love was probably the main theme of both. The first one, in retrospect, was from the Point of view of this young, optimistic kid who just desperately wanted to fall in love. There were times when I thought it would all fall apart and I would never find a someone to be peas and carrots with, but deep down, deep deep down inside I knew, or at least was optimistic that it would happen for me. I ended that journal on an optimistic note of looking forward to the future, and shortly there after, my optimism finally came to light, and hope was let ouf the jar.

The second journal was a muddle version between love and a broken heart. It started off all nice and happy and, to be honest, everything honestly seemed perfect... but then the shit hit the fan, or as Steve Harvey would say, or actually sing, the funk hit the fan, I got my heartbroken and hope was put back into the jar a shrunken, shriveled, broken version of what it used to be.

So where am I today? Hmm... The broken heart has somewhat healed, but not fully. I don't think you can ever get it back to where it once was. It's like if you break a bone, say your shoulder for example, it breaks, and when it's healed up it doesn't rotate as well as it once did, well, once your heart breaks, it doesn't love as well as it once did.

The other day, a "friend" of mine and I were talking and she asked "Do you think you'll ever get married? Like really, answer and don't be sarcastic." I replied, "No. If I hadn't gotten any closer by now, then why would it change five years from now."

You know how they always say that you always fall in love when you really aren't looking for it... or something alone those lines. Well, me personally, I guess I haven't fallen in love or found someone even remotely good for me in the longest time because in spite the fact I'm so pessimistic about it, I still really want it. God, you have no idea how much I want that again. I want to be able to talk to someone all night long about everything and nothing just love to hear the other person breathe. I want to lie in bed with someone and just lie around not having to think of single thing. I want to have sex with someone again, scream each other's names and use the word fuck as a verb. I want to be able to have some sort of power over someone knowing that my happiness is more important to them than their own. I want to hurt so badly over hurting someone's feeling in the slightest. I want to feel the pain of loving someone so much that them getting mad at you feels like the world is about to fall apart. I want to hear birds all around me when I'm just thinking about them as I walk around. I want to think that "Today is the greatest day I've ever known" when I hear the opening riff of Today by Smashing Pumpkins in spite the fact that I'm not really a big fan of that song. I want a girlfriend.

So if wanting someone, anyone so bad means I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, then I guess I'm going to be that way forever because my undying underlying optimism just seems to never go away.

I haven't really felt anything in quite a long time. The good news, I suppose, is that I haven't felt really bad in along time, but as Kurt Cobain once wrote, "I miss the comfort in being sad".

A few years back, I kept an online journal which was open to the entire world, and, most importantly, I let my closest friends read it. It hurt a lot of people's feelings, particularly a person who I loved, once was in love with, and was hurt by for breaking my heart. I kept hurting and hurting her by constantly revealing the pain that she caused me and to keep her from feeling bad, I just stopped writing in the journal. I stopped feeling anything at all just to make her feel a little better about herself.

Ever since then I've been pretty dead inside. I can't really function well. I don't know what I'm doing half the time. More than half the time. Really, I don't know anything that I'm doing. I go through the motions and hope for the best, but don't really expect much to happen.

I wish I could spill who I am right now, but I'm really not sure... I guess I'll try.


I'm frustrated, but I don't show it much anymore. I'm 24 years old and I've got a plan in my life. Is it a great, grand plan with great ultimate goals. No. No? Why the fuck did I decide to do that? The plan? Graduate University this year, go to teacher's college next year, and then become a teacher... and then what? Work 25 years at school, teach kids things that I stopped believing along time ago, and the retire? How about a family? Kids? A wife? That's not even in my plan because, seriously, I don't believe that it will happen for me.

Love... Love was always my biggest dream, goal, and passion. I've always wanted to fall in love, and there was this great short point in my life where I was, but suckingly, I fell so hard and so fast that in the end I ended up getting a lot more hurt than felt good. Well, I don't know about that, but was a short moment's pleasure worth the rest of my life of pain.

I still remember her face, her smell, her taste as we first held each other Pearson International. I'd do anything to get that back, but I know it will never be... but fuck, I still want it to be.

There's this song I love called Elizabeth by the Mr T Experience that sums up who I am and what I want right now

but time won't wait
and even if it does
it's unlikely to go back to how it was

Why can't it go back? I wanna go back... I wanna go back... and I don't even know how I got off the track... I wanna go back, yea.

A long time ago, I made a list of things I'd love to see in the perfect girl. That was along time ago though, and I really don't remember what it said, and I'm pretty sure that my mind on this "Ideal" girl has changed since then... and whoever she maybe now inside of my mind, I know she doesn't exist anywhere else but there. I'd settle for someone who first 10% of what I want in someone. Actually, that's not true because I still demand 100% - All I want is someone care about me because I would bend over backwards for someone that did.

So who am I now? I guess in a lot of ways I'm still the same person, but sadly a lot less optimistic.

I came up with this just now...

< ♥ > you < / ♥ >

I got home, turned on my laptop, and she's playing Drowning Pool's "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor"... the song has never sounded so beautiful.

I dropped my laptop now the sound doesn't work... Two reasons why this sucks:

1) The company doesn't exist anymore so new parts are hard to find
2) There aren't many places that fix my type of laptop

So I feel screwed. In a lot of ways, I think I shouldn't have got a laptop in the first place, but I also really like it too... I just like this one because it really feels like mine. It wasn't a hand me down and no one helped me pay for it. It's mine as mine can be. Like most kids spend a lot of money on their first car, I spent a lot on my first laptop. I don't want my baby to die or lose her voice. If she comes out alright, I will make sure to take extra good care of her... in all honesty, I'm on the verge of tears over this.

I can't believe I dropped it. It keeps replaying in my mind. Fuck.

It's almost noon on a Wednesday and I'm starting my four and a half hour break. I'm in the middle of the PS2 structure (that's Parking Structure 2, not Playstation 2), and there are a least a hundered people surrounding me all on computers, typing away at their keyboards. The subtle sounds of tapping go in and out of my ears as if they are silent.

I come in here every wednesday on my break. It's a good way to kill time. I'm 24 years old, shouldn't I be relishing and savouring time? I don't think so. I don't think you can really relish every moment of your life, because if you did, then you would lose that special feeling. Special, unique moments happen on there own and you never really expect them to happen. They sort of just come and fade or abruptly stop. But lazy afternoons, they often seem to go on forever.

Time does seem to go tick slowly away lately. As that annoying Madonna song goes "Time goes by so slowly... Time goes by so slowly". I wonder if it will ever change for me. It never really does. Either I waste time at school or I waste time at home. My moments to relish seem so far and few from one another that it sometimes all seems fruitless... more than sometimes. A majority of the time. I don't know what I'm doing here. Here, this planet, this country, this city, and particularly this school. I get these boasts of energy at the start of every school year, but I just see it all fall apart a few weeks into the first semester. I just don't care about English anymore... the written boring word... the Cannon of dead white guys who, if alive today, would probably just sit around all Wednesday afternoon and just blog or write in their livejournal.

I had hope for this year, but it looks like it's turning out to be another random time in the life of me. Is hope still there? I suppose, but hope always stays in the jar.

I have this "friend" who at one point was high priority to me... I really liked her. Not like liked her, but liked her. She was nice and sweet and pretty and liked Weezer. But most importantly (okay, liking Weezer is probably the most important) she was just really easy to talk to. We could talk about a lot of different things and talk about a lot of different nothing, which to me was just as important as talking about the bigger things in life.

Over the last two years, it's kind of just fizzled and faded. I haven't heard from her much over that time. I guess things have changed. I know they have. She's grown up a lot, which is cool. Me, I've kind of just stayed in the same place and wanted to go back in time to when she and I were pretty damn close. It really doesn't have anything to do with her about why I want to go back to that time, but she just happened to be a small part of my happiness at that time.

I'd still like to talk to her. I'd like to see her again, but I don't know if ever will. It's been well over a year since then and I've extended many an olive branch of sorts to her over the year, but she's kind of just shrugged me off and gave me a little explanation over which, I understood. I had become a really depressing person to be around for awhile, at least with her, because with her I could actually be myself. It's a rare thing to have that with someone, at least it is for me.

I could never hate a person, and this person is nowhere to being hated. I just kind of get hurt over the spurts of brief contact... but I'm sure as time goes by and we possibly see each other, it would be a good time, and we'd both kind of smile and be glad to hang out. I'd like to see that... I don't know if it will, but I'd like to think so.

I'm back at it. I think enough time has passed, enough emotions have run their courses, and I can somewhay spill myself out there to the world again to bring back Anti-Social Commentaries, the blog I've always found to be my most honest and the most myself in. I don't want to hold back anymore. I don't cover up my feelings, my thoughts and my past anymore. I want it all out there and I want it all to be exposed again and not put it back on hold again.

So who am I? Not by name, because what good is a name? I could change my name to Jerry McBeauty and it wouldn't make me any better looking. But who am I? Deep down beneath it all, who am I and what do I want? I know I've built it up to a certain by now, but the truth is, I'm still not sure. I guess I'll on the superficialities first.

I'm 24 years old. I'm a pretty sad human being. I've got a good sense humor, at least so I've been told, but I guess I use it to mask all I feel inside.

I'm a student in my last year of university purusing a career in education. Education? How on earth did I settle on becoming a teacher? I really don't want to be a be a teacher, but when I think about it, I know it's something I wouldn't be ashamed to say I do. English is the subject I will probably end up teaching and what I've dedeuced English as a subject to is one thing - emotion. If you don't feel anything towards the work you're reading then you're not going to like it, and if you can't feel emotions then what's the point of anything at all really.

I've been in love once and only once. It was the hardest and most devastating thing to ever happen to me. I don't know if I'm quite over it yet. I think I am, but at any point in my life, I know that I would take her back at the drop of a dime and I would gladly spen the rest of my life with her. Why did we break up? Well, it's a long story... a story I can't even really say because I don't really know how it happened. I've said it a million times before on other blogs and this will be the first time on this one - it didn't even end on a bang or a whimper... it ended on a shrug. It just wasn't meant to be, no matter how much I wish it could be, I know it wasn't meant to be... but god, why can't I let it be... if not me, then why can't someone else let it be. God? I guess it's all in her hands and her hands will always wave me away, and wave good-bye.

I still want to fall in love. I know I do. It's been three years since my only real relationship and my only real emotions ended, and since then I've had feeling towards two girls. And when I say feelings, I mean there have only been two girls in my life that I've thought that our relationship could be something good. One was a girl named Melissa who I really clicked with, but we met right after my initial heartbreak and I just wasn't ready to date or even really talk to anyone. She was nice though and if I saw her again today, I'd probably ask her out. The second girl is a girl name Nicole that I go to school with. I haven't seen her since last semester and I don't know if I ever will. I don't have her e-mail or her phone number or any idea of where she is or where she might be or who she might be with... sadly though, she had (and probably still has a boyfriend) and that's why I never asked her out or asked for anything more. But I miss her because she really made me laugh and it's hard for me to find people that can honestly make me laugh.

I hate my parents. A lot of stuff has happened between me and them over the course of my life, but the major thing that still hits with me is that they've been lying to me since the day I was born. I don't want to get into to that too deeply right now, but I'm sure it will come out eventually.

There's so much about me I know and so much I'd really like to know someday, but the main thing is this - I'm a dreamer. A doer? Not really... but a dreamer, yes. I think somehow, someway, things will workout for me in the end... even though nothing has really gone right for me in a very good long time, somewhere deep deep down, there is an underlying optimism that has been instilled in me. By who? I don't know. It was probably the TV... The TV has always been good to me.

I usually work out while watching Yes, Dear on TBS. I like to look at Kim and think "Maybe I could get a hot wife like that." Greg Warner hit the Jackpot.

My brother woke me up to the sound of Cochese by Audioslave today and I thought I'd pay my bills...

I'm down to my last $100 dollars in the bank. That's pretty sad and scary for me to think about. I'm thinking I should take a bigger loan out from the bank. I already have a $5000 loan, but that's just barely enough to cover my tuition if even enough to cover my tuition. I don't want to ask my parents for more money. I hate asking them for anything really. I don't want to owe them anything. I don't want to do that. My parents and I have a really bad relationship. In a lot of ways it's gotten better over the years, but I think that's more in their eyes. Me, I still don't like them, don't respect them, and I hope to completely have them out of my life sometime soon. They just aren't good people. They've broken me so much over the years and they've made me so shy and awkward and imcapable of love and sad and frustrated and confused and broken... The saddest part is, I can honestly say that I don't love them.

Wow... I wasn't expecting to write that so early in the morning.

What else is there to say? I need a better job... part of me wants a new job, but another part of me just wants to take this year and go to school without any distractions so my one shift a week won't feel so bad. That sounds about right to me.

And finally... Nicole is still running through my head. Am I an idiot? I mean, if this were just a stupid crush, wouldn't this have worn off by now? I was in Guelph all Saturday and I just expected to see her around there. Even if she would have been there with her boyfriend, I wouldn't have cared. I just want to see her. God... obsess much?

I don't feel like going to class today. It's the second week of class and I already plan on skipping? Sigh... how lazy am I? It really proves my point that students really take advantage of mondays and skip, then tuesdays are really packed days because people force themselves to go so they don't miss two days in a row... just my theory.

I feel like I've put a wall up in my journal writing. Am I writing anything of importance anymore? Interest? Humor? Personal? I wonder there are anymore emotions floating through my veins.

So I just came back from the WWE show and it was easily the best show I've been to in a very long time (including concerts and theatre). It was just a really magical night... for those not in the know, Trish Stratus (my fellow York colleauge) is retiring and won the Women's Championship tonight. Yea, I know, wrestling is a fix, but it really was emotional. It's moments like that that make me remember why I love wrestling so much. It wasn't about silly storylines or violence or anything like that... it's about pride and doing good work. This is probably the one and only time I've seen someone in the wrestling business go out on top and it's really nice to see it happen to an awesome hometown girl.

It's so odd to think that she won't be on TV tomorrow night. I've been watching for her like... I don't know, maybe 6 or so years. More actually because of "Off The Record" and that really sexy "The Docks" ad she did all those years ago. Yea, it's nice to go out on top and an honest legend in your own time, but it just feels kind of all of a sudden and it didn't really sink in until the match ended. You know, I've been to 4 wrestling shows, and 3 of those 4 times I got close to the verge tears. There was tonight with Trish's match, Orton winning his first title, and the Rock Vs Hogan at wrestlemania X8.

I'm kind of incoherent at this point. I don't know if I'm making much sense. I just wanna say it was great. I love seeing someone's entire career from beginning to end. She started a really hot manager and then a really hot in ring performer and then a really hot and funny character in and outside of the ring. I don't know if any other woman has ever really made as much of an impact on the sport as she has. Like Sable was just pure eye candy (and if you ask me, was not even that hot in the first place. Sunny was eye candy with a lot of charisma, but not nowhere near as physical as Trish was/is. The Fabulous Moolah and Sherri Martel were great wrestlers, but didn't have enough people to work with and not enough spotlight to make their careers shine as brightly as needed. She was just the right person at the right time with the right amount of talent and the exceeding amount of passion to make it work.

I'm gonna miss seeing Trish Stratus on TV every monday... But thank you for all the memories and I'm sure we'll see you again, if not around town then at The Hall of Fame one day...

Thanks.

I played at Stag & Doe or a Jack & Jill party tonight. It was nice... and for the first time in my life, I was paid for a performance. $60 between me and my rhythm section, coming to $20 each. It was so odd. This guy kept insisting on paying us and I just kept saying "No, it's cool. We'd be playing music right now even if we weren't playing here." But he still gave us the money which was pretty cool. Also, I saw a really cute little girl today. I find a lot of children, espeically Filipino kids ugly, but this kid was so adorable. Of course, she was half white so that always makes a big difference... It reinforced my intentions of marrying and having a child with a white girl... for the good of humanity, if that ever happens, it should be with a white girl.

Also, an odd thing happened at school yesterday. I met some guy who remembered me from my online creative writing class. He really liked my work and even remember certain pieces I had written which was kind of freakish and embarassing for me.

My head is kind of clear right now... I'm sure that feeling will die any second now though.

I really like the new iPod. I've been holding out on getting one of the giant hard drive ones and I think it's finally calling my name because one it's 80 GBs and two I can play tetris on it... yes, tetris. I love tetris.

So I went to see Metric and they were quite good... as well as the Cheap Suits who I thought stole the show.

So I met a friend in line and we hung out during the concert. Okay... there are three types of people who bug me at concerts

1) Drunks - male or female, I don't care. It's just distrubing to me.

2) Cell phone - please don't talk on your phone during someone's performance. It's just rude.

3) People who use unnecessary force - I'm aware this is a concert and people jump up and down and push and crowd surf and whatever, but there's a difference between seeing Tegan & Sara and Metalica... There's a difference between seeing John Mayer and Slayer... and seeing Metric is a lot more like seeing Tegan & Sara or John Mayer instead of something on the metal end. So there's this guy being a complete asshole, freshman most likely, and probably a concert virgin before tonight. He came to the show in a Maple Leafs' hat and a Raptors T-shirt, which to me kind of shows he just kind of went because it was free and not for any other reason... but that's just an assumption. So a song is playing he starts going nuts, his hands in the air and he starts pushing everyone around him, and right next to him is my friend Wanda. So he pushes her a few times and I'm like "Stop pushing my friend." Keep in my mind this guy is a bit bigger than and I'm all but five foot nine and asian. So I tell him this and then starts doing it again. My friend gives him a shot to the kidneys, but it didn't really phase him. So I put my hand on his shoulder and say "If you touch my friend again, I'm going to choke you out." I felt like Taz or Chuck Lidell. And two seconds later he starts pushing her again and I just punched him in the face and he fell down and walked away.

He was just being an asshole. No one else was pushing around and being an idiot. I believe in friendly concert and mosh pit ettiquette. So remember, if someone falls, pick them back up because you don't want someone getting trampled. If you do drungs (which I don't) don't blow it in anyone's direction. And don't try to act tough by feeling up or pushing around girls.

If you are not aware of the cartoon Undergrads, I suggest you make yourself useful and watch all 13 episodes, especially those of you in your last years of high school or early years of college / university.

So I had two undergrad moments today, one I've experienced many times over the last five years and one I never had until today.

1) Remember when Nitz went to get a free ice cream cone with Jesse? Well, today's york fest and there's a ton of free stuff of free stuff. Useful? Some of it. Do I want it all? Not really. I got free Clodhoppers... I love those candies. I haven't had them in a few years... but I also got free Axe body spray and a free Schick Razor, two products that I personally don't use. I like Gillette and Tag personally. But it's always good getting free stuff. I aslo got a bunch of stuff from Sony which I have yet to look at.

2) Remember when Nitz would, both in high school and College, sit in the library and hope that Kimmy Burton would pass by? Well, I've realized that I've been doing that a lot this semester and it's only the second week... I don't know if I mentioned this yesterday, but my classes are all Sadly Nicole-less... And I remember last year that she would often frequent the Tim Horton's just outside of this computer lab so I often just sit here and do nothing (Like type this blog) and hope she might come by. Pathetic, huh?

Man... I miss Undergrads (http://www.undergrads.tv/non_anim.html)

I lost a bus ticket today... damn it. I had 4 more rides on there... that's like 20 dollars... sons of bitches.

Tomorrow's Yorkfest at school and I'm gonna see Metric (Yay!). I've never seen them live before, but I really liked their first CD so it should be good. Sadly, I don't have anyone to go with. I've asked a few people and they all said they're not going... whatever.

It makes me think of memories... if you have a memory or you go to an event or something and you do it on your own is it really a memory? Like if you went through something and no one's there to remind you of how hard it was or how great it was, did it really happen? I guess you could say it's something sacred you hold to yourself, but for me it just reminds me of how alone am I.

A few years ago I saw Dr. Frank live in concert. I went by myself and I guess by doing so it felt less special. It was really cool. It was during the whole Sars fiasco around the GTA and it was really empty. I even got to meet Dr Frank which was so cool. I dunno. Lonliness I don't think ever gets easy. In the bad times you need someone to talk to and in the good times you wish that someone was there to share it with.

I feel like my writing has sucked lately. It feels so high school. Shouldn't I have matured by now? Anyways... titmouse... he he he... Titmouse.

So the story of my school year has been pretty much as follows - I got to class, watch the door, and hope that Nicole is in my class.

Oh yea... who is Nicole? Well, she's this girl that I've had these feelings for pretty much the past year... pretty much from the moment we met. Even before that actually. I don't know if girls do this or even other guys do this, but when I'm sitting alone and bored I usually rate the people around me on a scale of one to ten... not just girls, but guys as well because some guys are just so ridiculously dressed that you have to make a comment. Anyways, the first time I saw her, she was a ten, and she was hands down the prettiest girl in my direct proximity.

I was kind of taken a back when she and I started talking. I couldn't believe she was talking to me actually. She was just so pretty. Girls like that usually never even look my way and I was truly just kind of shocked by that... and even more shocked when we had things in common and that we made each other laugh. She's really hilarious.

Anyways... I just can't get her out of my head. Of my five classes, four of them are thus far Nicole free and I'm guessing tomorrow, my class to start, will also be Nicole free. It's just a hunch. I'd really hate to never see her again.

I wonder if she ever thinks of me.

I think my exercise kick is starting to die off a bit... I'm just really tired today, so maybe that's it. However, I did get a gym membership at school. Can you believe it's only $10? If I knew it was that cheap, I would have signed up first year.

I keep thinking about my future and my fears of being alone. I am so scared. Why would my life ever change? I don't know... I just feel so hopeless sometimes... most of the time. I get these specs of hope, and then they wash away. I kind of build myself and then nothing changes so I go back to who I was.

I don't know... just my pessimism setting in again.

In other news, my abs hurt. I worked them out hard last week and they're still hurting. My cousin said that you can work them out everyday, but I only worked them out once last week and they're still sore.

Current Music: Love Just Ain't Enough - Patty Smith & Don Henley

I just got home from school and I'm watching the Canadian Idol finale... Why? I cannot answer that because I don't have an answer. But I turned it on, and I've watched a few of them off and on and not one of these "singers" has impressed me in the least. With the first three of these Canadian Idol shows, I've watched the final 8 or so, just like one episode, and it was always easy to see who would win because only one of them was remotely good (Ryan Malcolm knows how to use his voice and Melissa O'Neil is actually a good singer) but watching this one they all just sucked... Just sucked. And I'd watch and see these horrible, toneless, emotionless performances, and then these judges would say they were good... not just good, but often great.

Anyways... I'm watching this finale and this guy on here just sucked... absolutely sucked. His tone was very boring and his range wasn't very impressive and the song itself kind of sucked. And then the judges said he was amazing? Amazing? Chills down their spines amazing? He was horrible... and then the girl sang and I actually thought she was good. She had a nice tone, good presence, could emote and had a good range... good for her... and then the judges said she wasn't that good.

I don't know why this hit me so hard, but it just did. I really hate this show... American Idol, most people that make it through to the top few are always good, but Canadian Idol is always filled with like one good person and a bunch of karaoke performers and they get treated as if they're great... I don't know. I just miss artistry. Some people have talent, and some people work hard... and some people just suck. Thanks.

I tried to write something from scratch, but it just wouldn't come out right so I edited something old to make this... if you have the time, tell me what you think. Is it funny? Interesting? It's about two people who have spent like an hour together and their first initial meeting is winding down... I want it kind of light, but with some deeper things being said as well, but very natural and not over dramatic... anyways... here it is.

*


EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - NIGHT
Jonas and Anna are walking home from 7-11 each with a slurpee in hand. Anna is carrying her “groceries” comprised of candy and soda.

ANNA
(Laughs)
You’re kidding me.

JONAS
Honest to god. I skipped my own prom to go to an autograph signing.

ANNA
You are officially spaz of the year. What was is it, a Star Trek convention? Please don’t tell me you’re a sci-fi dork.

JONAS
No, you won’t find any science fiction paraphernalia in my apartment, aside from maybe an odd picture of agent Dana Scully.

ANNA
Who did you go see?

JONAS
The Nature Boy.

ANNA
Buddy Landel?

JONAS
You cannot be serious.

ANNA
I’m just joshing you. Everyone knows Ric Flair is the Nature Boy.

JONAS
I was afraid I’d have to end our newly found friendship.

ANNA
I know Ric Flair, you don’t have own light sabre, we’ll be fine.

JONAS
As long as that’s straight. Sometimes I regret not going to prom though.

ANNA
It’s not a big deal. I didn’t go to mine either.

JONAS
Really?

ANNA
Is it really that shocking?

JONAS
Kind of. You’re really pretty.

ANNA
(Embarrassed)
Thanks.

JONAS
I mean it seems like you’d have guys lining up at your locker just to walk you to class let alone take you to the prom.

ANNA
I did. Like five million guys asked me to prom. I just didn’t want to go.

JONAS
Why? Everyone goes to prom.

ANNA
You didn’t.

JONAS
Well I’m spaz of the year.

ANNA
That’s true. But I just didn’t want to go. There’s something so sleazy about prom.

JONAS
How is that?

ANNA
It’s just been so romanticized. Like why are girls obligated to put out? Just because a guy spends a few hundred bucks? It’s like teenage prostitution when you think about it.

JONAS
I don’t think it’s the money that makes girls put out. I think it’s the combination of alcohol and cheesy rock ballads.

ANNA
Totally.

JONAS
It’s like a wedding night without the consequences and responsibility.

ANNA
I think that’s an overstatement. Marriage would involve at least a little bit of emotion. I just sort of viewed prom like closing time. You’re at the bar for four years and all of a sudden it’s closing time and if you leave alone you’re just a big loser.

JONAS
Or spaz.

ANNA
Totally. That’s why I didn’t go to prom. I didn’t want to go with someone that was going to date rape me because I didn’t want to sleep with him for renting a limo and buying me a corsage. That and I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years.

JONAS
I’m guessing that it didn’t end so well.

ANNA
Anything that ends, ends badly.

JONAS
Do you wanna talk about it?

ANNA
There isn’t much to talk about. It’s your typical teenage love story. Boy meets girl. Girl falls for boy. Boy cheats on girl. Girl kicks boy in the balls.

JONAS
Girl moves to Toronto and gets slurpee with Asian guy.

ANNA
See, your typical love story...

A beat.

JONAS
You know I could help you with those bags.

ANNA
It’s okay.

JONAS
Are you sure?

ANNA
The only person you can really rely on is yourself... Which is why I masturbate so much.

Jonas laughs.

ANNA (CONT’D)
Why didn’t you go to prom?

JONAS
Autograph signing.

ANNA
I’m sure there’s a deeper reason than that.

JONAS
I’d like to say it was some sociological thing or that someone broke my heart, but the truth is I didn’t have anyone to go with.

ANNA
Aww. You seem nice. You’re cute enough and you don’t come off as a serial killer.

JONAS
Thanks, I guess. I was going to go with my friend Monica, but I wanted to go with someone I was in love with and I kind of felt like a pitty date to her. And the autograph signing kind of sealed the deal for me not wanting to go.

ANNA
Aww. That’s cute. Extremely unrealistic but cute. No one falls in love anymore.

JONAS
Yea, I know.

ANNA
Do you really know or are you just saying that so I don’t reign down on your hapless romanticism.

JONAS
A little bit of both, but I know what you mean. The only people who I know have been in a long term relationship are my parents and I really don’t think they’re remotely in love. You wanna hear something that will kill any gleam of hope in romance that you might have.

ANNA
You know I do.

JONAS
My father farts in front of my mother.

ANNA
Eww.

JONAS
Like all the time. He’ll be laying around in his underwear watching the news while my mother is reading a magazine or something and he’ll just cut one.

ANNA
God. No, offense but no wonder you seem so warped.

JONAS
But you know what weirdest part of it all is?

ANNA
What?

JONAS
My mother doesn’t even react at this point. She just sits there, doesn’t respond to the sound or the smell and just sits there. They seem more like roommates bound by contract than two people who love each other at this point.

ANNA
I’m sorry, but I’m glad I’m not Asian. Asian parents just seem so cold. Especially yours. They come off as complete assholes the way you explain them farting in front of each other and the little amount of self-esteem you seem to have.

JONAS
I have a self-esteem problem... But not a very good one. Are you close with your family?

ANNA
Well, my mother, she’s dead.
(Laughs)
So we don’t talk much anymore.

JONAS
I’m soory.

ANNA
It’s not like you killed her. Or did you? Actually, I know you didn’t because she did it herself.

Awkward pause.

JONAS
I didn’t mean to open up any wounds.

ANNA
No, it’s okay.

JONAS
How about your dad?.

ANNA
(Laughs)
No, nothing that extravagant. He just ran out on me, my sister, and my suicidal mother when I was six.

JONAS
(Sarcastic)
Great, Jonas. Any family pets run over repeatedly by 18 wheelers as a child?

ANNA
It’s really not a big deal. I haven’t seen him in 12 years so I’m over it.

JONAS
So I’m guessing you and your father aren’t close.

ANNA
Actually, we are. When my mom died he called me and my sister and extended the olive branch. We talk every three or four months.

JONAS
You call that close?

ANNA
Yea. It’s like when we talk we actually have stuff to talk about. I bet when you lived with your parents you hardly ever said a word to your flatulent father.

JONAS
Aside from “I hate you, die, Jecho, die,” no, not really.

ANNA
Totally. So when me and my dad talk we just catch up and talk about everything.

JONAS
That sounds pretty nice.

ANNA
It actually is.

They stand in front of the dorm.

ANNA (CONT’D)
This is me.

JONAS
Oh. Nice.

ANNA
Blech. Don’t lie. The dorms suck.

JONAS
I live off campus.

ANNA
Lucky you. I share a room with a nymphomaniac.

JONAS
Interesting. Will I get to meet her sometime?

ANNA
How about no. She fucks a different guy every night and I would rather not know who she’s on top of. I’ve even put up a sheet down the middle of the room and bought headphones to tune her out.

JONAS
Nice.

An awkward pause.

JONAS
Even though all we did was talk and get slurpees, this has been the best night I’ve had since school started.

ANNA
Yea, me too. Slurpees rule the world.

JONAS
(Disappointed)
Thank-you.

ANNA
Geez. Loosen up.

Anna messes his hair.

ANNA (CONT’D)
I’m going to have messing you up.

JONAS
As long as you keep me away from crack and square dancing then we’ll be fine.0

Anna laughs.

JONAS
Can I walk you up?

ANNA
Some guy is probably jack hammering away on my roommate so I don’t think it would be a good idea.

JONAS
Oh. Okay.

Jonas looks at Anna and she looks back. He wants to kiss her but is too scared to.

JONAS
I guess I should go then.

Jonas takes a step with his hands in his pockets.

ANNA
Wait. You didn’t give me your name.

JONAS
Oh. My names is Jonas.

He extends his hand.

ANNA
Anna.

They shake. They let go.

ANNA
Well, good night.

JONAS
Good-bye.

ANNA
(angry)
Don’t say that.

JONAS
What?

ANNA
Good-bye. It’s so depressing and final.

JONAS
What do you want me to say?

ANNA
I don’t know. Something else.

JONAS
Umm... Help control the pet population, have your pets spayed or nutered?

ANNA
How about later?

JONAS
That works too. Later.

ANNA
Good night.

Jonas walks away as Anna watches him from the door.

I cannot write. I've been trying to write this scene for the last three hours, and I cannot get past stage one of it...

I'm vein. Most people I know think of me as a non-vein person, but I am. I'm extremely vein. I think everyone is. Beauty is however quite subjective and for me beauty is a very difficult thing to witness. I'm really picky about physical appearance so even the most "beautiful" women in the world often come up short to me, but I just thought of two celebrities that I think are drop dead gorgeous and I honestly cannot think of anymore

1) Halle Berry (at least a few years ago Halle Berry)

and 2) Kate Beckinsale

Am I alone on this?

I'm glad it's friday. Sure, I only had a two day school week, but I'm glad it's over. Thus far, this year looks like it will turn out alright... you know, education wise.

The last four years all seem like such a blur... it's like, I was in love, she broke my heart, and then I wanted her and wanter her and wanted her... for so long I just wanted her. My life wasn't worth living, I always thought. In many ways, I guess it isn't... but my health problems over the summer kind of opened my eyes and made me realize that I didn't want to die. These three years of depression and sadness and heartache weren't about wanting to end my life. They were cries for her help. I wanted someone to tell me it would be okay. It felt like I was staring down the barrel of a gun over the last few months, and now that I see the trigger might be pulled, well, I guess I've tried my best stop the bullet from firing. Good analogy, huh?

Maybe it's you that you want what you can't have? Maybe it's that you don't know what you've got til it's gone? Or maybe, just maybe it's all about really wanting something. And I guess what I want the most is to just be okay. I'm not okay, but still, it's what I want.

This is the year... if it isn't, then it might be the last.

Thanks.

I've felt a bit too at ease for the last few weeks... not enough sadness to make me want something, and not nearly enough happiness to make me smile. My life seems to go through cycles of depression and fine, depression and fine... And there was this extremely short blip of happiness that I will honestly never forget, and sadly never have back.

If you don't know why this site is called ASC Pt. III, well too bad. I'll explain it another day.

I just woke up from a 11 1/2 hour sleep. It was just amazing considering how beat I was yesterday and to top it all off, the porn I started downloading last night is done so good-bye morning wood. Sorry about the dirtyness of this post.

Well, I have today off so it's like the Summer Continues. Of course I go back tomorrow... I'm really running on no money right now. Kill me.

And it's my first day back at school and boy are my legs tired...

Okay, enough with the Rodney Dangerfield impression...

So it's my first day back and I'm so tired. I woke up at 6:00 (apparently there's an 6 AM now) and took the 7:20 bus off to York University. I was about 50 minutes early for class... yes, practically an hour early for the first day of class. So I picked up a 12 grain bagel, a medium 2 milk, 2 sugar, and sat in class alone for the longest time. Actually, as I was sitting there, the lights off of course because I despise the light and much as Michael Jackson despises being dark, and then a girl walked. She noticed that I was the only one sitting there so she just walked back out... apparently she was my professor. So basically, I was the big nerd that was even too much of a spaz for the teacher to acknowledge. Great start.

The class was actually good. Walking into the class, I had no idea what it was. I totally forgot what all of my classes are this semester. This was a culture class, all based over the last 50 years. Awesome... good good stuff... It seems really simple with very little reading and it's based on stuff I'm actually interested in so I might do some of the readings then. Huzzah!

So my 3 hour class was shortened to 90 minutes today, which was fine and expected. The first day is just filled with house keeping so I wasn't surprised. The sad thing is, my next class does not start until 4 and I am going to be sitting here bored out of my mind every Wednesday most likely blogging to you my invisible adoring public.

So I thought I'd do some house keeping today... The first thing I needed to do was pick up my student ID


*** NOTICE: PISSED OFF RANT AHEAD ***

Wasn't technology supposed to make life easier, better and more efficient? Well, I am here to officially say that that is bullshit. I've been at this school for 4 year, this is my 5th, and in my previous four years, getting your sessional card was so simple. You sit at home, they mail to you and then you sign it and put it in your wallet. Easy, right? It really was.

So last year the school decided to take a step into the 1990's (yes, the 90's) and wanted to give us nice hard cards with our pictures on it opposed to the pieces of paper we used to get in the mail with no picture and just our Student number. Fine, a step in the right direction. The simplest thing would have been to just take the picture at the school, they print your card within under a minute, and then you're on your marry way... Sigh, why didn't I just do it like that? I on the other hand decided to take the information super highway on my way to getting my ID card.

So the guy taking at the Student Centre tells me to just take a pic myself, send it to the school, and I might win a free iPod. Great... so I do that, and of course I didn't win the iPod.

Firstly, I was supposed to get my card in the mail, but I didn't. So I go to the student centre today and they tell me, "We decided to just have the cards picked up opposed to being mailed out." I'm like "Mmmk" and he send me to 137 South Ross. So I go there and there's a gigantic line. I think, "This has to be the right line, it's so long." So I stand in line for about an hour and when I get to the front they tell me that this was the line just to take pictures, not to pick them up and I had to go to 119 Williams Small building. Ahem... BTW, THAT'S ALL THE WAY ACROSS CAMPUS. And I go all the way across campus, which was actually where my first class of the day was, and I search and search and search for room 119. I eventually find it after a numerous amount of ill-fated stairwells, and I find another long line. I stood in line for about 10 minutes only to find out that I was in the wrong line up all along... And then I go in the right line which took about 2 minutes...

I'm tired. A year, I didn't even think about my sessional card because it was just a simple process. If I ever go back to this school (Let's hope this is my last year) and have to pick up another ID card, I will look back on this day and wonder why I didn't kill myself... cuz honestly, technology just makes me want to kill myself. The only good thing about it is that I could hang myself from this mouse cord. Thank-you and good day.

I can't seem to face up to the facts
I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax
I can't sleep because my bed's on fire
Don't touch me I'm a real live wire

So I can't sleep and I'm quoting that damn talking heads song as I often do when I can't.

I have to get up in like 5 hours for an 8:30 class... and then I stay at school until 7, with a three hour break inbetween classes. The worst thing of it all is that I don't have anything worth watching on my laptop tomorrow so that sucks.

In another news, someone got stabbed at my school yesterday. Great. I saw it on a news headline during Rockstar Supernova. From the looks of the story, it happened right at my college too... great. Just great

I want this to be the year that changes everything around. I want this to be the year that I, as a human being, find somehwere I belong, as Linkin Park would say. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I just want something to feel remotely right and normal for me this year. I don't want this prolonged pain anymore. I don't want this unrealistic dreamer stirring inside me anymore. I jsut want to live. I just want something this year opposed to the nothing I've always felt.

I'm dying to live...

Back to school...
Back to school...
To prove to dad that I'm not a fool
I've got my lunch packed up
My boots tied tight
I hope I don't get in a fight

Oh... back to school

My friend's MSN name has recently changed to August 11, 2007. I think he's finally getting married. He's been "shacking up" with this girl for like 5 years, I think, they have two really cute kids together and they've just been waiting for the right time to get married - ya know, have jobs and a good place to live and can afford to throw at "big party" for their wedding, as Chandler Bing would say.

I better get invited. He's my brother's friend, but we're real good friends too. This kind of goes hand in hand with my last post. In a year from now, I better have someone to go with. It would suck to go alone and just sit there. I wanna sit there with someone else and laugh about how ugly dancing is.

My last year of school (most likely) begins in two days... really just one day. My last summer vacation is over. It's kind of sad really. I feel so close to becoming an adult, in terms of where I'm supposed to be and what I have supposedly worked for over the last few years, yet it still doesn't seem to click right.

I've given myself this year, this my last year to make something make sense. I don't feel any different today than I did 10 years ago, and that's a scary fact to face when you see people you knew in high school getting married and having kids and, dare I say, being adults.

So here's what I want out of life over the course of the next year or so.

1) I want a girlfriend. I haven't a girlfriend in about three years and it hit me hard. It really took me this entire time to get over it. I don't know if I'm quite there, but I'm willing to try now, which I think is a good step. I used to make so many excuses, but now, I can actually see myself trying and really wanting that again - love, someone to care about and be cared for, seeing something go somewhere.

2) Write a book. Even though I hate the genre of the novel, I think I should write a book. It's the easist form to write in that doesn't need a million people to help you get it accomplished. I've just finished a screenplay, which I would like to get finalized, and then work will start on my novel. Story is yet to be thought through, but I'm sure once school starts I will get back into the swing of things.

3) Get a new job. It's sad to say that I've been working in the same dead end part time job over the last 7 years... SEVEN YEARS? That's like a quarter of my life... that's sick. So yea, even it's like nothing to me at this point, it's when things get too easy and bland that you must take a step forward.

4) Record an album. I've got all of this material just sitting there and I've also got quite a bit of hardware just sitting in my room and I really need to get it to use. Yes, I know I should have done this in the summer, but once school starts I'll need to procrastinate somehow.

5) Travel. I'm not sure where, but I'd like to go somewhere for a long period of time. I wanna see the world a bit, and I think I'd like to start with my own home country. It's kind of fucked up to be so proudly Canadian, but to have not really seen or experienced anything outside of my 100 km radius between Toronto and Hamilton.

6) Exercise. I'd like to get in shape. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and not being happy with who I am. I have been exercising lately which is a good start, but my diet gets fucked up when I hang out with people because all we have to do is sit and talk and eat.

7) Have sex... Yea, it kind of goes hand in hand with getting a girlfriend, but I really miss sex the most out of everything. Hell, I miss getting hugged, because even that feels few and far between. But sex, do you know how much of my time is spent dreaming about it and thinking about it? But I'm too emotional just to fuck for the sake of fucking because Andre 3000 had it right - "Sex is always better when there's feelings involved".

8) Maintain a haircut. This is an odd one, but I kind of go through these odd cycles in my life, and the oddest is the state of my hair. I usually spend a good long while growing it out and and growing it out, and then I just shave it all off, and whenever I look in the mirror I just don't see myself. I really don't have much of self to look at, and I think if I can just physically maintain who I am and look in the mirror and really see myself, then that's a great starting point for identity. In a lot of ways, I still feel like I'm trying to be who I was 5 years ago, trying to be that young, innocent, and hopeful character. I'm not that person anymore and I have to find who I am today and keep to that.

9) Find Nicole. I really regret losing track with her.

I don't feel like thinking much today, so I'd keep it simple with my top five songs. The last two spots often fluctuate, but these two new ones seem like they'll stay near and dear to my heart for a very long time.

1) God Only Knows by the Beach Boys
2) Across the Sea by Weezer
3) I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams by Weezer
4) Gray by Sara Radle
5) Get Used to Disappointment by Sara Radle

Oddly, Lousiana Woman, Mississippi Man by Conway Twitty and Loretta Lyne is the number one song on my iPod. That's a great song too... Right now, I'm running empty on favourite songs. I can't think of anything that really really gets to me anymore. A lot of music seems boring and dull and just more of the same. But, easily one of the best songs I've ever heard is "I know I know I know" by Tegan and Sara. Great bassline and an amazing lead synth. Check that out as well... I think I'll post a list of songs you should download... legally of course.