ASC Pt. III

It's almost 2am. I'm up... still up. I haven't left the house today. I woke at around 11 and just didn't feel like going to school. I often skip Mondays like today, not because of the bad Canadian January weather or even the fact that I don't like my Monday class. I was downloading last night's wrestling Pay Per View and thought that I'd rather watch it then have to trek it down to York for a boring 6 + hour day.

I didn't do much today... I watched the Royal Rumble and was kind of sad over Shawn Michaels' defeat, but also happy over the Undertaker's win. That was about the extent of my day. Another reason why I don't like Mondays (and yes, I went there by quoting the awesome song by The Boomtown Rats) is the fact that I don't really have any friends in this class. I just realized that now... I tend to be more eager to go to a class when I have a friend in the class. Sometimes, I suppose you can say that I look forward to going to the class for the simple reason that it gives me a chance to talk to someone.

When I think of this trend over the last four years of my life, I mostly think of Nicole last year. I sadly can't get her out of my head... pretty sad, huh? I like her a lot and I'm pretty sure that she has no idea nor would she even be affected if she found out. Why? Because I'm pretty sure she doesn't care about me... doesn't care in the sense that, ya know, she thinks I'm nice enough, but not great enough to talk to me outside the socially constructed walls of our friendship... the walls being our forced time together in the walls and halls of York University.

Even if somehow I told her, and the bigger "if" of her feeling things back for me, I'm sure that things would never work out. She seems to be happier person than me. She seems to be a lot more social. She just seems too good for me. Everyone is really, when I think about it. I don't think anyone could enjoy being with someone like me. I'm just so boring and stale and unimportant. I doubt there would ever be a girl out there that would be turned on by a guy that just likes to sit around in his underwear all day, wrapped up in a comforter, watching sitcoms and playing Tetris. That sadly sums it all up.

No, I'm sure she wouldn't like me... She finds me interesting and somewhat amusing, and that's cool, but I'm sure she wouldn't find me likable, and more than that, lovable.

I'm desperate. I'm 24 years old. I thought that this would be it... this year was do or die for me and I guess I'm just gonna die. I'm 24 going 60. I doubt my life will change much by then. I can't let myself become something that isn't real... I don't know what that means exactly, but it sound right to me.

I wish there was something I could figure out for myself right now, but I can't. It's always been the same and always will be.

I'm not sure about this yet, but I'm thinking of ending this blogger account. I don't know why, but my writing doesn't seem to mean anything to anyone anymore, myself included. I don't know if anyone reads what I write anymore and my head doesn't seem to really think of anything important or deep or even remotely clever anymore. Maybe I just need a break? I don't know... maybe. I find myself just keeping notes to myself on facebook opposed to writing them here now... I'm really not sure. But I do suppose that when I do write something deeper and more emotional, I often post it here opposed to my facebook because there are things I dare not say on there that I only put here on this private journal...

So, I don't know... I think my life has become a bit too busy to sit around and think about stuff... Am I anywhere near happy? Not at all... not for one second. But I feel like there's this giant block in front of me that keeps me from really experiencing my life and keeps me from really feeling my emotions. There's something hovering at the surface that I just cannot tap into.

I want to feel something real, but I don't know if I can...

I guess what I'm getting at is, I'm probably not going to update this much anymore (but is always the case, I'm probably going to come up with ten things to write in here before the end of the day)... let's see how it goes.

Okay, I must come clean... there's this girl I kind of like which I brought up quite a bit and I've seen her on facebook. We're friends and all, but I'm really shy so I didn't want to add her, not really knowing if she would want to add me. Yea, rationally, I'm sure she would be okay with it, but in my head, I'm just thinking "What if she doesn't want?" So basically, I'm shy... so on her facebook, she has her classes posted, so I looked up when her classes were and just kind of sat infront of her class wondering if she'd notice (yea, I'm aware it's kind of stalkerish)... So I saw her today and we hung out and, really, this has been one of the very best days I've had in a very long time. I really wish I could tell her how I feel, but the sad thing is I know she won't feel the feelings back or at least tell me that she does because she has a very long-term boyfriend.

So yea, while there's a darkness at the end of the tunnel, but the rest of it is pretty damn bright... yea, I'm an English major and I've turned the cliche around.

I was watching Lolita today in class... and if you don't know what it is, it's basically about an old guy that falls in love with a 13 year old girl...

So my class was watching it and I just started to cry. I know it might sound weird, but I could totally relate to the main character, Humbert Humbert, in some way. How? Because I know where the line between love and obsession is, and I know that I've stood on it for a very long time. He loves Lolita, the 13 year old girl... me, I love this girl, the 25, possibly even the 30 year old one as well. I will always love that one version of her no matter where I am, how I how old I get, and no matter where I might go. But the real me knows, that she's lost forever... I can never have her back because the version of the girl that I once loved no longer exists.

I look back at our relationship and think of how much I was in love with her and I just started to wonder why we were so in love... why did we feel so much and feel it so strongly? I think it was because we looked at each other as some kind of Messiah for one another... a Jesus figure of some kind. She saw me as the guy that could take her life, take what was bad with it, come in, and fix the wrongs... bring the love to her life that she always wanted I guess. I remember once writing about a white knight and how she couldn't wait around for him anymore... I guess that was me and I guess I just never showed up... why didn't I just show up? I could have. I should have. Maybe I'd be happier now? Maybe I'd be better off than how I am now? I like to think I would be... In all honesty, I don't know. We might have fucked it up. We might have just ruined two lives instead of one.

Why?

Because I saw her as this great figure that could have saved my life. My life still needs saving to this today. I think it was Andrew Marvel who said, and I'm para-phrasing, "You can't walk through paradise alone". And that's me. I want to be happy. I honestly do, but I know that I cannot walk through life alone, because then I wouldn't have anyone to help me through it. I don't think I need much to help me get through life. I honestly don't really have a best-friend, a girlfriend or any kind of anything resembling a soul mate. What I've always lacked in my life was the confidence. I know have the potential and the skill and/or the will, just not the confidence or a certain special someone to cheer me on as I'm going through my goals.

I have no goals anymore. I just want to feel something again. I just want to hold someone again. As we were watching Lolita, I softly uttered to myself, "I've completely forgotten what it's like to be kissed."

I can't remember.

"I saw her today... I saw her face... It was a face I loved... and I knew... I had runaway..."

Yea... so I saw her today. It was kind of odd and sad because it was just a moment in passing as she was hurrying off to class, but she acknowledge my existence and said "Hello."

Yea, I'm so Nitz and she's so Kimmy Burton... Undergrads fans will understand the reference... please, let there be some Undergrads fans still out there.

Maybe it was a bad choice to do it today... I dunno... maybe it was, maybe it wasn't... let's see how the year goes along.

God, is it wrong to be 24 and still get schoolboy crushes? Why can't I just meet a girl (that's single of course) like her, say, "Hey, you wanna do something sometime?" and, ya know, do something sometime? Why is it all so confusing? Why do I not get along with 99% of humanity? Why can't I be happy with a pair of Nikes and a Big Mac? I can't be part of the normal people... the normies of the world. I can't, but I want to.

But importantly, why can't I find someone remotely somewhat like me? And why are the ones even somewhat like me, I find them too late and they're married or engaged or promise ringed or just not interested or live across the continent.

Perhaps I'm not just lovable or good enough or smart enough or cute enough or maybe I'm just meant to live a life of dreaming of what it might be like to be in love.

I miss Her... whoever she might be.

My updates are far too infrequent and unimportant. I really don't have much to talk about or even feel anymore. It's sad really. I was hoping that I could return to being this over-emotional human being where every single thing affected me, but I can't. I really don't think so, at least. Because I've tried and tried and the more I try, the more I realize that my life is just in this rut... I need to get out of my routine (or my rutine as Barney from How I Met You Mother would say). I know I'm only in my second week back from xMas break, but I can't wait for reading week... and possibly March for the UFC show in Ohio.

I want to feel something again. I want to just be something opposed just a University student.

It snowed last night, finally. I for one and happy that there's finally snow on the ground. Others were enjoying the heat, but I'm not a fan. I hate people who complain about the snow... it's like dude, get out of Canada and move to Bermuda if you don't want to be cold. Put on a sweater or a jacket. Me, I don't even own a jacket. I haven't worn one in years, and I still love the snow and the cold... Summer on the other, I hate because the reverse idea of taking off your clothes doesn't really work in the summer to get cool.

Hmm... is there anything I can talk about that wouldn't be boring or redundant? Actually...

"When I look in the mirror, I can't believe what I see" The Good Life by Weezer

I'm really not accustomed to my own face, my own look. I go through these periods where I grow out my hair for a year or so and then I shave it all off and I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror... Or I might go a few weeks without shaving and then shave and not know who I am anymore. Is it the inside that counts or is it the outside? Should I stablize my external somehow? I just feel so inconsistent, and that's exactly what I need - consistency... not a rut, but a consistent something in my life in which I'm actually happy with... I don't have that. I miss it.

I'll try to write more, I just don't know if I have anything left to say.

How I Met Your Mother rules... if you can say it's Legend... wait for it... dary.

As you may or may not know, I'm shy... yes, I'm shy... and there's this girl, I really like her and we're friends, but I'm shy about messaging her to save face. I don't want to look too desperate or make any moves that might make me look stalkerish (though it really is too late for that)...

Anyways, she just signed up for a group called Beach Boys Pet Sounds God only knows where we would be without it. That's just... wow, to me. I just did my presentation in my Inspiration class on that very song and album... sigh.

I'm not saying if it's fate because I honestly don't believe in that, however, anyone that loves God Only Knows is someone I can see myself falling in love with. She really is someone I can see myself with, and that does not happen often. Sigh... why are all the good ones taken or dudes?

I don't know if I've ever really talked about this before, but I believe in God. I don't think I come as a person that does, but I honestly do. I'm not exactly a Christian and I definitely do not live up to the laws of my born into Catholic religion, but no matter how shitty I feel and how much I want to not believe in the existence of God and even when there are times where I say with complete rational that I no longer believe in God, I still go back to Him or Her or It because I honestly do believe in God somewhere deep down inside. That is what is known as faith... you have when you honestly believe something to be true in spite the people and the world around. I am not trying to preach anything because I'm not that type of person. I'm just saying that I do.

In relation to this, I think I will always believe in love. In spite a broken heart and a seemingly endless amount of time since that heartbreak, I still believe I might fall in love again and feel those things... not just might, but really believe that it's always around the corner (even if that corner may be blocks and blocks away). I bet at 60 years old, I'll be sitting at this computer, writing in this blog, still thinking that love might come my way.

Would it be pathetic if I still had that optimism at 60? Or is it pathetic that I still have that optimism at 24?

So I was at school for 12 hours yesterday (which is sadly the norm for my Wednesdays)... but the fucked up thing is, I got there at 7, 90 minutes early for my class, and at 8:30 someone comes into class and informs me that class has been canceled. THEN, I had to wait from 8:30 - 4:00, waiting for my next class to start... Seven and a half hours of waiting. If I hadn't been with my friend, I probably would have slept the whole time. In some ways, it was kind of worse, because we're not great friends and I often sometimes feel like I'm bugging her and have a slight hard time of figuring out what to say because I get that way a lot in real life... you know, because I'm completely socially inept.

In other news, I kicked ass at Scene It today. I really want Scene It: Music.

My life seems useless lately. Useless in the sense that it feels uneventful. I've been back at school and it already feels like I have a ton of pressure on me... god, how I'd love to ease that pressure. Yes, I know of masturbation, and I do it, however, it does not feel as good I think it should... In fact, I don't even like it anymore... I suppose it's like I'm raping myself.

And with that, good night.

I always get depressed around this time of year, like most people do. However, I personally believe that my sadness comes from other reasons, or perhaps additional reasons to the normal reasons. It was four years ago tomorrow that she left me... now that I'm thinking about it, it was four years ago today that I last had sex... damn...

It's so hard to fathom how long ago that was, how happy ago I was, and how far from what we were we now are.

But anyways... a new year, a new start. I haven't weighed myself yet, but I feel like I've gained a million pounds over the last few weeks between Xmas and New Year's dinners and hanging out with people and eating crap all the time... blech... So I'm starting my new diet today. I'm cutting the fat from my diet... well not completely, but most of it. I'm cutting my dinner down a great deal and I'm pretty much just going to get my fat from my breakfast in the form of margerine (or butter when I have no other option). I'm going to try to live off of bagels and coffee for breakfast, and then salads, fat-free yogurt, and fruit... I'll get some meat into their somehow, but I haven't figured it out yet.

Anyways... I wish that I could fix it up, but I don't know that I can. I can't believe it's been four years since she left me and I can't believe it'll be 10 years this year when we first started talking.

Time flies... 10 years?