ASC Pt. III

It may not be in the cards for me any time soon, but I think about getting married a lot lately. It's not so much the actual idea of being married to someone and spending the rest of my life with this person, but more the ceremony itself. It just seems to come up with me a lot. Even the act of going shopping kind of conjures up thoughts of a wedding to me. I just bought shoes today and it made me think that I'd like to get married in these shoes. They're white phat pharm shoes with black trim.

I wonder if I'd ever meet a girl who would want the same things at a wedding that I want. Here are things I've always wanted at a wedding -

1) No suit or tux - I know, this is an odd thought, but I just hate formal clothes. The idea of buying something just so I can wear it once, it just seems really stupid to me. And no, it's not about me being cheap. It's just, I feel like you shouldn't make your wedding day special because of the amount of money you spend and the time you spend planning it, but the symoblism behind the action you take. I just don't like the idea of romanticizing things. I've always wanted to get married in a hoodie, but I've recently relented to the idea of getting married in a blazer with hood attached.

2) Cinnabons - I really hate when you go to a wedding and it's just filled with average food that's just dressed up kind of nice (again romanticisizing). I don't know about a main course of like pizza, wings, and maybe a giant sandwich, but I'm dead set on Cinnabons for the desert. And, let's face it, it may be kind of common, but the fact is, Cinnabons are expensive.

3) "I want you to want me" on Strings - I think a lot of people want a string quartet at their wedding, and I'm no different, but I'm just such a fan of music that I wouldn't want the same old shit to be played. Ya know, Here COmes the Bridge and Cannon in D... I'd want songs I love such "I want you to want me" by Cheap Trick, "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys, and anything off Weezer's Pinkerton (My favourite album of all time).

That's about it for now... To be honest, I've only been to one really nice wedding in my life. It was about three years ago, a friend of mine from work got married to a Portugese guy. It was nice. It was like a million dollar thing, but it was nicer than what I've gone through in my family. Only one of my close cousins has gotten married and they did it at the court house... and their one year anniversary party was supposed to be this big deal, but to be honest it wasn't very fancy. It was nice and all, but it wasn't a big deal, and her husband's family was in charge of everything so it was quite different from what I'm used to (they're Indian). I wanted the posh wedding like you'd see on TV.

Anyways... That's my take on weddings. I don't know if I'll ever meet the right girl or the girl that's good enough, but you can't say all guys are afraid of commitment...

So I've been on this diet for awhile and I've decided not to weigh myself. It's just so depressing. I feel good after I work out and stuff, but then I get on the scale and notice no different and it just takes me down... so yea, no more weighing... maybe once a month. Just stay the course for now.

So I was just driving home by myself yesterday in the middle of the night and as I always do, to keep myself awake and I started to think about girls. But not just girls in general, but like the scale in which you rate them. To be blunt, I am the veinest person in the world. Well, I am and I'm not. Personally, I just think everyone is kind of ugly. I look at people and look right at their face and actually look if they're good looking and not just covering it up with make-up or hiding behind nice shiney hair. For example, Jessica Simpson, ugly. Jennifer Aniston, pretty ugly. Julia Roberts, a horse is a horse of course of course. Maybe I'm just nuts, but that's how I feel.

Anyways, on the scale of 1-1O in termrs of beauty, it's very rare for someone to score a 10. I just don't think it's right to give someone a 10 just to be nice. 10s should be rare. I hate when people are like "I'd give her an 11". That's just not right. It's like saying those tens you gave in the past were just given for being good enough.

So 1Os? In my life I've only given three tens. 1) My ex-girlfriend. 2) A good friend (who I sadly haven't spoken to in a very long time). And 3) A girl in my Shakespeare class.

But in honesty, only one of those tens are genuine. Let me explain.

My ex-girlfriend and I met online, so when we first met (though she was very gorgeous) my opinion on her was kind of unfair. I felt too much for her to make an honest judgement of her. So her 1O does not count. There will be an asterik beside her name.

My good friend who I will keep nameless to keep my and her annomity. When I think about it, when she and I first met, she didn't score a 10. She scored a 7, which is a very good score from me. 7 is quite above average. So that's good. When we first met she had this weird thing in her hair and it was just a big turn off... but as time went by and she and I got closer, she became a 10. But because of this initial 7 it kind of waters down her 10 so I guess she's not a genunine 10 either.

So it comes down to this girl from my shakespeare class. When we first met, I gave her a ten and it hasn't dropped a point since. She had long brown hair and a pretty nice body. Not super thing and not super fit, but just really natural and a bit above average. You know what? Maybe she is an 11 because the more we hung out I started to fall for her. She just always made me laugh and smile and even though I hated going to school, I loved going in on tuesdays last year just to see and hang out with her. I was totally shocked when we first met and she started talking to me. I was like "You? Talk to me? You pretty". She was awesome.

Sadly, we've lost touch... ah, well.

So I'm debating on whether or not I should let everyone I know in on this journal. I'm really private about certain things, but when I write I usually just let it all out and not hold anything back. Part of me wants to let people in on my dirty little secrets, but I don't think I can go there with people. So I guess I'm just going to keep it all bottled up inside... or should I say keep my little space on the world wide web set aside for myself and random passers by.

I'm tired and alone. It was a long weekend. It's been a long week. It's been a really long summer. Part of me is itching to go back to school, while another part of me wishes it could just stay like this forever - not having a care in the world or any place important to be.

I'd like to go on, but right now I think I'll just sit here for awhile, maybe download some porn, jerk off and then go to bed.

In spite of how creepy that kind of sounds, the line in my head is of my favourite Sara Radle song "Right now your favourite color is a nice shade of grey. You stick your ass in the middle and that's where you're gonna stay."

It's a week until school starts and my life feels like it's on the verge of change. In a week (and a bit) I start my final year of school. After nine years of elementary school, five years of high school, and 4 years of University, this will be my last year of school. That's 19 years of learning I'll have under my belt when I finally graduate and I will finally be prepared enough to live. At least that's the theory behind it, isn't it? You start school, you figure out what you want to do it, you learn how to do it (as best as possible) and then you go out and do it.

To be honest, I really don't care about school or even the occupation that it's supposed to lead me to.

*** As a sidenote, I don't know what my education is going to lead me to. I'm an English major and it seems like either I become a teacher or do nothing with my life. Maybe work at a Best Buy and give people advice on which iPod suits their personality best. ***

I feel stuck.

When I look at who I am now - 24 years old, confused, and depressed - and think back to who I was ten years ago - 14 years old, confused, and depressed - I do not see much of a difference. I still fit in all the same clothes, I still live with my parents, I'm still in school, I still slouch, I still masturbate quite often, I still watch wrestling, I still enjoy Dr Pepper, I still don't have many friends, I still want to fall in love, I still think I might, I still hang out with my cousins... everything is virtually the same. But there's one thing that I had back then that I don't know have now - Hope.

Hope.

Back then, everything seemed possible. I was told that if I worked hard enough at something and had enough skill or maybe fate would step in find what was right for me down the line... The world was just slightly out of reach and if I just took a step up the ladder than I would have it in my grasp.

That was sadly ten years ago. Ten years of wear and tear and punishment and broken breaking points. Ten years of yearning and longing and needs and wants not being fulfilled. Ten years of a static existence. Ten years and one severely broken heart.

But for the first time in a very long time, I feel optimistic again. It might have taken a shock in my health to do it, but for the first time in years, I see myself getting better, and for the first time ever in my life I've realized that it's not just going to come me and fall into my lap. I'm going to have to work hard at it or I'm going to die within the next ten years. (Ahem, I hope you enjoy the circular nature of the ten year intervals).

So for the last few months I've been getting these really bad headaches. I've had headaches in the past, usually going a long time without eating, but the ones I've been having over the last few months are far greater than excedrin headache number ones. When it would come at me my vision would kind of turn green, the back of my head would be in a tremendous amount of pain, my shoulders and neck would be really tense, and I would become so dizzy that any movement at all would make me want to throw up. It was not good times.

So I went to my doctor, told him about the problem, and my doctor being a quack says, "I don't know what it might be." Hello? What the fuck is that? No clue? You're a doctor, part of your job is to be reassuring to people that they might be okay. Even if they're shot up with a million bulletholes, you still have to give them some hope, and here I am with a headache and you're basically telling me it's some freak disease that only I have.

He also told me to get some blood work done. Well, the bad news is that I have high cholesterol and he basically told me that if I keep this up, then in ten years I'll have a heart attack, and since I really don't have anyone in my life, I'd probably die because no one would be there to call 9-1-1.

I realized something there. What you pushy asshole? I basically realized that I have to fix myself. I can't mope and complain about shit anymore. Well, I can, but if I wanna fix it, I have to something on my own. My body and my health are really all I have in my life and it just kind of occured to me that I've basically been trying to kill myself over the last few years because I didn't want to live my life anymore. I had a death wish. I had lost all hope.

Hope.

But the bigger news is that I had a health scare. The headaches, I was told, might be a tumor. He thinks it isn't, but I just have a horrible doctor and I don't trust him at all. So either I shape up, see if my headaches go away, or go in for a CT scan and ya da ya da ya da...

Life is great, huh?