ASC Pt. III

I can't sleep... I have class in about 8 hours and I have to get up 2 hours before that just to go to the damn bus station. I hate wednesdays. I hate a lot of things I guess, but Wednesdays seem to top it... that's not true.

I just can't get it out of my head how little faith I have in humanity and my future. Any hope I had about a month ago just seems to dwindle more and more by the day. But the sad thing is, I'm not getting sad about it, I'm just so "meh" about it. Because that's the way it is. I've been hurt so many times before that my heart has grown a callice to the pain of it all.

I dont' want to be let down anymore. The constant let down just goes farther and farther down until you finally hit rock bottom, and I think I may have finally hit that. I don't know if it can get down anymore. If it hasn't changed by now, then when will it ever?

I'm 24 years old and in all my life I only remember one short period of time when I was happy. One short period of time. Ever since then, it's just been sad and depressing, my seemingly infinite amounts of optimism just dwindling every once in awhile, but it all seems fruitless and gone by this point.

I wish I had a hero, a mentor, someone to look up to. Someone to look at and say, that person did, so why can't I? No one's done it. No one's lived a life like mine. The fact is, everyone's life is unique upon themselves. There aren't many universialities left. We'll never exist in a group. At least I won't because I never have. I've never fit in. I never a good close group of friends in high school, or was in any groups or clubs or teams. I'd always be slightly on the fringe to the point that it was like was there, but it didn't matter if I wasn't. That seems to sum up who I am... It wouldn't really matter if I wasn't there.

I want it still... but I don't know how much longer I can hold on.