ASC Pt. III

My last year of school (most likely) begins in two days... really just one day. My last summer vacation is over. It's kind of sad really. I feel so close to becoming an adult, in terms of where I'm supposed to be and what I have supposedly worked for over the last few years, yet it still doesn't seem to click right.

I've given myself this year, this my last year to make something make sense. I don't feel any different today than I did 10 years ago, and that's a scary fact to face when you see people you knew in high school getting married and having kids and, dare I say, being adults.

So here's what I want out of life over the course of the next year or so.

1) I want a girlfriend. I haven't a girlfriend in about three years and it hit me hard. It really took me this entire time to get over it. I don't know if I'm quite there, but I'm willing to try now, which I think is a good step. I used to make so many excuses, but now, I can actually see myself trying and really wanting that again - love, someone to care about and be cared for, seeing something go somewhere.

2) Write a book. Even though I hate the genre of the novel, I think I should write a book. It's the easist form to write in that doesn't need a million people to help you get it accomplished. I've just finished a screenplay, which I would like to get finalized, and then work will start on my novel. Story is yet to be thought through, but I'm sure once school starts I will get back into the swing of things.

3) Get a new job. It's sad to say that I've been working in the same dead end part time job over the last 7 years... SEVEN YEARS? That's like a quarter of my life... that's sick. So yea, even it's like nothing to me at this point, it's when things get too easy and bland that you must take a step forward.

4) Record an album. I've got all of this material just sitting there and I've also got quite a bit of hardware just sitting in my room and I really need to get it to use. Yes, I know I should have done this in the summer, but once school starts I'll need to procrastinate somehow.

5) Travel. I'm not sure where, but I'd like to go somewhere for a long period of time. I wanna see the world a bit, and I think I'd like to start with my own home country. It's kind of fucked up to be so proudly Canadian, but to have not really seen or experienced anything outside of my 100 km radius between Toronto and Hamilton.

6) Exercise. I'd like to get in shape. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and not being happy with who I am. I have been exercising lately which is a good start, but my diet gets fucked up when I hang out with people because all we have to do is sit and talk and eat.

7) Have sex... Yea, it kind of goes hand in hand with getting a girlfriend, but I really miss sex the most out of everything. Hell, I miss getting hugged, because even that feels few and far between. But sex, do you know how much of my time is spent dreaming about it and thinking about it? But I'm too emotional just to fuck for the sake of fucking because Andre 3000 had it right - "Sex is always better when there's feelings involved".

8) Maintain a haircut. This is an odd one, but I kind of go through these odd cycles in my life, and the oddest is the state of my hair. I usually spend a good long while growing it out and and growing it out, and then I just shave it all off, and whenever I look in the mirror I just don't see myself. I really don't have much of self to look at, and I think if I can just physically maintain who I am and look in the mirror and really see myself, then that's a great starting point for identity. In a lot of ways, I still feel like I'm trying to be who I was 5 years ago, trying to be that young, innocent, and hopeful character. I'm not that person anymore and I have to find who I am today and keep to that.

9) Find Nicole. I really regret losing track with her.