ASC Pt. III

There's this line I keep coming back to every once in awhile.

You never stop loving someone, you just learn to live without them

I just woke up from this horrible dream. In it, I was a lot older... maybe in my 30's. I had a job, a business man of some kind working in an office. Then i got in my car and went home to some little ugly apartment. I was alone, no wife or kids or dog... and then all of a sudden I'm in San Jose, it's raining and I'm walking to Anna's house. It was probably another 5 year interval for us because things between her and I always happened in 5 year gaps... we started talking when I was 15... we fell in love when I was 20... I'm about to turn 25 so something must happen... and I guess 30 this dream is an estimate of that. Anyways... I'm standing by her house and I just want to see her, talk to her for a little while and maybe give her hug. I want to tell her I'm still in love with her without telling her words, ya know. Even though she knows my heart is always on the chopping board, I have to make her see it sometimes. So I'm standing by the window and I look in. Her kids were all grown up. She looked a bit older, but still looked so good. And she was kissing her husband looking Christmas Card happy. I didn't knock on the door and didn't even let her know I was in town. I was walking back to the crappy hotel I had actually stayed at when I was there when I woke up.

What does this mean other than the obvious? I don't know. I think it's probably that no matter how much I want to fall in love, I know it will never happen because in spite of the slight crushes I have on pretty girls in my classes and the fact that my life practically revolves around the idea of spending my life with someone, the truth is my one true shot at love and happiness died the day that I lost her.

I'm sorry for the bleakness so early in the morning. I'm already late for school and I'm a little too sad to eat healthy right now because I'm in desperate need of a pick me up. Fuck two milks and two sweetners... give me a real double double... cream and sugar and maybe a boston cream on the side.

Fuck, time for Inspiration class... I hate the guy presenting today. For someone who talks so much he doesn't have anything to say. I will tear him a new one today.

Quote - "By definition a crush must hurt and they do... just like the one I have on you" - Long Island by That Dog