ASC Pt. III

I haven't really felt anything in quite a long time. The good news, I suppose, is that I haven't felt really bad in along time, but as Kurt Cobain once wrote, "I miss the comfort in being sad".

A few years back, I kept an online journal which was open to the entire world, and, most importantly, I let my closest friends read it. It hurt a lot of people's feelings, particularly a person who I loved, once was in love with, and was hurt by for breaking my heart. I kept hurting and hurting her by constantly revealing the pain that she caused me and to keep her from feeling bad, I just stopped writing in the journal. I stopped feeling anything at all just to make her feel a little better about herself.

Ever since then I've been pretty dead inside. I can't really function well. I don't know what I'm doing half the time. More than half the time. Really, I don't know anything that I'm doing. I go through the motions and hope for the best, but don't really expect much to happen.

I wish I could spill who I am right now, but I'm really not sure... I guess I'll try.


I'm frustrated, but I don't show it much anymore. I'm 24 years old and I've got a plan in my life. Is it a great, grand plan with great ultimate goals. No. No? Why the fuck did I decide to do that? The plan? Graduate University this year, go to teacher's college next year, and then become a teacher... and then what? Work 25 years at school, teach kids things that I stopped believing along time ago, and the retire? How about a family? Kids? A wife? That's not even in my plan because, seriously, I don't believe that it will happen for me.

Love... Love was always my biggest dream, goal, and passion. I've always wanted to fall in love, and there was this great short point in my life where I was, but suckingly, I fell so hard and so fast that in the end I ended up getting a lot more hurt than felt good. Well, I don't know about that, but was a short moment's pleasure worth the rest of my life of pain.

I still remember her face, her smell, her taste as we first held each other Pearson International. I'd do anything to get that back, but I know it will never be... but fuck, I still want it to be.

There's this song I love called Elizabeth by the Mr T Experience that sums up who I am and what I want right now

but time won't wait
and even if it does
it's unlikely to go back to how it was

Why can't it go back? I wanna go back... I wanna go back... and I don't even know how I got off the track... I wanna go back, yea.

A long time ago, I made a list of things I'd love to see in the perfect girl. That was along time ago though, and I really don't remember what it said, and I'm pretty sure that my mind on this "Ideal" girl has changed since then... and whoever she maybe now inside of my mind, I know she doesn't exist anywhere else but there. I'd settle for someone who first 10% of what I want in someone. Actually, that's not true because I still demand 100% - All I want is someone care about me because I would bend over backwards for someone that did.

So who am I now? I guess in a lot of ways I'm still the same person, but sadly a lot less optimistic.