ASC Pt. III

Expect this to be the first of many enteries entitle "Love".

In past journals under the ASC banner, the topic of love was probably the main theme of both. The first one, in retrospect, was from the Point of view of this young, optimistic kid who just desperately wanted to fall in love. There were times when I thought it would all fall apart and I would never find a someone to be peas and carrots with, but deep down, deep deep down inside I knew, or at least was optimistic that it would happen for me. I ended that journal on an optimistic note of looking forward to the future, and shortly there after, my optimism finally came to light, and hope was let ouf the jar.

The second journal was a muddle version between love and a broken heart. It started off all nice and happy and, to be honest, everything honestly seemed perfect... but then the shit hit the fan, or as Steve Harvey would say, or actually sing, the funk hit the fan, I got my heartbroken and hope was put back into the jar a shrunken, shriveled, broken version of what it used to be.

So where am I today? Hmm... The broken heart has somewhat healed, but not fully. I don't think you can ever get it back to where it once was. It's like if you break a bone, say your shoulder for example, it breaks, and when it's healed up it doesn't rotate as well as it once did, well, once your heart breaks, it doesn't love as well as it once did.

The other day, a "friend" of mine and I were talking and she asked "Do you think you'll ever get married? Like really, answer and don't be sarcastic." I replied, "No. If I hadn't gotten any closer by now, then why would it change five years from now."

You know how they always say that you always fall in love when you really aren't looking for it... or something alone those lines. Well, me personally, I guess I haven't fallen in love or found someone even remotely good for me in the longest time because in spite the fact I'm so pessimistic about it, I still really want it. God, you have no idea how much I want that again. I want to be able to talk to someone all night long about everything and nothing just love to hear the other person breathe. I want to lie in bed with someone and just lie around not having to think of single thing. I want to have sex with someone again, scream each other's names and use the word fuck as a verb. I want to be able to have some sort of power over someone knowing that my happiness is more important to them than their own. I want to hurt so badly over hurting someone's feeling in the slightest. I want to feel the pain of loving someone so much that them getting mad at you feels like the world is about to fall apart. I want to hear birds all around me when I'm just thinking about them as I walk around. I want to think that "Today is the greatest day I've ever known" when I hear the opening riff of Today by Smashing Pumpkins in spite the fact that I'm not really a big fan of that song. I want a girlfriend.

So if wanting someone, anyone so bad means I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, then I guess I'm going to be that way forever because my undying underlying optimism just seems to never go away.