ASC Pt. III

The only person you can really depend on is yourself...

I don't love anyone enough to let them hold my life in their hands even with the simplest and easiest decisions in my life because time and time again I have been let down. It's as if everyone is out to get me and it's all some big joke... or maybe it's the stupidity of humanity that just leaves me feeling this way right now.

It's just so stupid... so I was told I need to lose weight and get in shape and all of this shit by my doctor, and I tell my parents this and I ask my mother if she can help me out by cooking healthier for me and stuff... and so she's been making me sandwiches, and i'm like alright, if she wants to, and she's been filling it with such crap and I didn't even notice. I know this may sound stupid, but it has me extremely pissed off. I mean, this is my mother and I'm asking her for help and she's just so stupid. The fact is, that I might be dying... okay, my doctor has all of this shit in the air and he's telling me it could be nothing, but I just have to try and get in better shape and my mother does this to me in an attempt to help me.

I'm blowing up over something so stupid, but I know, I know as a fact, that this in many ways is the root of all my problems... the stupidity and lack of love by the people who are supposed to care about you the most is just such a let down.

My parents have just been so bad to me my entire life. I'm saying that point blank. Some might say, hey, they didn't beat you or abuse you in anyway. Wow, woopity-doo... what an accomplishment, not beating your kids. How about the fact that they've never told me that they love me until I had to tell them to, and which by that point it made it even harder to ever believe? How about the fact that my parents turned away the one girl I ever loved, and the beef between them led to the end of our relationship? How about the fact that my entire life they've lived to me? From the day I was born, my parents have been lying to me.

It's moments like this that I know I have to get out of here... like I've made this prison within myself, but the problem is that they've warped me into thinking that I can never make it on my own. That I'm never going to be good enough for anything or anyone. That world is out there and everything I want to grasp, I never will.

My spirit was broken the day I was born and it's times like these that I wish I had someone I could lean... like a parent or something..