ASC Pt. III

I'm glad it's friday. Sure, I only had a two day school week, but I'm glad it's over. Thus far, this year looks like it will turn out alright... you know, education wise.

The last four years all seem like such a blur... it's like, I was in love, she broke my heart, and then I wanted her and wanter her and wanted her... for so long I just wanted her. My life wasn't worth living, I always thought. In many ways, I guess it isn't... but my health problems over the summer kind of opened my eyes and made me realize that I didn't want to die. These three years of depression and sadness and heartache weren't about wanting to end my life. They were cries for her help. I wanted someone to tell me it would be okay. It felt like I was staring down the barrel of a gun over the last few months, and now that I see the trigger might be pulled, well, I guess I've tried my best stop the bullet from firing. Good analogy, huh?

Maybe it's you that you want what you can't have? Maybe it's that you don't know what you've got til it's gone? Or maybe, just maybe it's all about really wanting something. And I guess what I want the most is to just be okay. I'm not okay, but still, it's what I want.

This is the year... if it isn't, then it might be the last.

Thanks.