ASC Pt. III

I'm back at it. I think enough time has passed, enough emotions have run their courses, and I can somewhay spill myself out there to the world again to bring back Anti-Social Commentaries, the blog I've always found to be my most honest and the most myself in. I don't want to hold back anymore. I don't cover up my feelings, my thoughts and my past anymore. I want it all out there and I want it all to be exposed again and not put it back on hold again.

So who am I? Not by name, because what good is a name? I could change my name to Jerry McBeauty and it wouldn't make me any better looking. But who am I? Deep down beneath it all, who am I and what do I want? I know I've built it up to a certain by now, but the truth is, I'm still not sure. I guess I'll on the superficialities first.

I'm 24 years old. I'm a pretty sad human being. I've got a good sense humor, at least so I've been told, but I guess I use it to mask all I feel inside.

I'm a student in my last year of university purusing a career in education. Education? How on earth did I settle on becoming a teacher? I really don't want to be a be a teacher, but when I think about it, I know it's something I wouldn't be ashamed to say I do. English is the subject I will probably end up teaching and what I've dedeuced English as a subject to is one thing - emotion. If you don't feel anything towards the work you're reading then you're not going to like it, and if you can't feel emotions then what's the point of anything at all really.

I've been in love once and only once. It was the hardest and most devastating thing to ever happen to me. I don't know if I'm quite over it yet. I think I am, but at any point in my life, I know that I would take her back at the drop of a dime and I would gladly spen the rest of my life with her. Why did we break up? Well, it's a long story... a story I can't even really say because I don't really know how it happened. I've said it a million times before on other blogs and this will be the first time on this one - it didn't even end on a bang or a whimper... it ended on a shrug. It just wasn't meant to be, no matter how much I wish it could be, I know it wasn't meant to be... but god, why can't I let it be... if not me, then why can't someone else let it be. God? I guess it's all in her hands and her hands will always wave me away, and wave good-bye.

I still want to fall in love. I know I do. It's been three years since my only real relationship and my only real emotions ended, and since then I've had feeling towards two girls. And when I say feelings, I mean there have only been two girls in my life that I've thought that our relationship could be something good. One was a girl named Melissa who I really clicked with, but we met right after my initial heartbreak and I just wasn't ready to date or even really talk to anyone. She was nice though and if I saw her again today, I'd probably ask her out. The second girl is a girl name Nicole that I go to school with. I haven't seen her since last semester and I don't know if I ever will. I don't have her e-mail or her phone number or any idea of where she is or where she might be or who she might be with... sadly though, she had (and probably still has a boyfriend) and that's why I never asked her out or asked for anything more. But I miss her because she really made me laugh and it's hard for me to find people that can honestly make me laugh.

I hate my parents. A lot of stuff has happened between me and them over the course of my life, but the major thing that still hits with me is that they've been lying to me since the day I was born. I don't want to get into to that too deeply right now, but I'm sure it will come out eventually.

There's so much about me I know and so much I'd really like to know someday, but the main thing is this - I'm a dreamer. A doer? Not really... but a dreamer, yes. I think somehow, someway, things will workout for me in the end... even though nothing has really gone right for me in a very good long time, somewhere deep deep down, there is an underlying optimism that has been instilled in me. By who? I don't know. It was probably the TV... The TV has always been good to me.