ASC Pt. III

It's almost 2am. I'm up... still up. I haven't left the house today. I woke at around 11 and just didn't feel like going to school. I often skip Mondays like today, not because of the bad Canadian January weather or even the fact that I don't like my Monday class. I was downloading last night's wrestling Pay Per View and thought that I'd rather watch it then have to trek it down to York for a boring 6 + hour day.

I didn't do much today... I watched the Royal Rumble and was kind of sad over Shawn Michaels' defeat, but also happy over the Undertaker's win. That was about the extent of my day. Another reason why I don't like Mondays (and yes, I went there by quoting the awesome song by The Boomtown Rats) is the fact that I don't really have any friends in this class. I just realized that now... I tend to be more eager to go to a class when I have a friend in the class. Sometimes, I suppose you can say that I look forward to going to the class for the simple reason that it gives me a chance to talk to someone.

When I think of this trend over the last four years of my life, I mostly think of Nicole last year. I sadly can't get her out of my head... pretty sad, huh? I like her a lot and I'm pretty sure that she has no idea nor would she even be affected if she found out. Why? Because I'm pretty sure she doesn't care about me... doesn't care in the sense that, ya know, she thinks I'm nice enough, but not great enough to talk to me outside the socially constructed walls of our friendship... the walls being our forced time together in the walls and halls of York University.

Even if somehow I told her, and the bigger "if" of her feeling things back for me, I'm sure that things would never work out. She seems to be happier person than me. She seems to be a lot more social. She just seems too good for me. Everyone is really, when I think about it. I don't think anyone could enjoy being with someone like me. I'm just so boring and stale and unimportant. I doubt there would ever be a girl out there that would be turned on by a guy that just likes to sit around in his underwear all day, wrapped up in a comforter, watching sitcoms and playing Tetris. That sadly sums it all up.

No, I'm sure she wouldn't like me... She finds me interesting and somewhat amusing, and that's cool, but I'm sure she wouldn't find me likable, and more than that, lovable.

I'm desperate. I'm 24 years old. I thought that this would be it... this year was do or die for me and I guess I'm just gonna die. I'm 24 going 60. I doubt my life will change much by then. I can't let myself become something that isn't real... I don't know what that means exactly, but it sound right to me.

I wish there was something I could figure out for myself right now, but I can't. It's always been the same and always will be.