ASC Pt. III

I was watching Lolita today in class... and if you don't know what it is, it's basically about an old guy that falls in love with a 13 year old girl...

So my class was watching it and I just started to cry. I know it might sound weird, but I could totally relate to the main character, Humbert Humbert, in some way. How? Because I know where the line between love and obsession is, and I know that I've stood on it for a very long time. He loves Lolita, the 13 year old girl... me, I love this girl, the 25, possibly even the 30 year old one as well. I will always love that one version of her no matter where I am, how I how old I get, and no matter where I might go. But the real me knows, that she's lost forever... I can never have her back because the version of the girl that I once loved no longer exists.

I look back at our relationship and think of how much I was in love with her and I just started to wonder why we were so in love... why did we feel so much and feel it so strongly? I think it was because we looked at each other as some kind of Messiah for one another... a Jesus figure of some kind. She saw me as the guy that could take her life, take what was bad with it, come in, and fix the wrongs... bring the love to her life that she always wanted I guess. I remember once writing about a white knight and how she couldn't wait around for him anymore... I guess that was me and I guess I just never showed up... why didn't I just show up? I could have. I should have. Maybe I'd be happier now? Maybe I'd be better off than how I am now? I like to think I would be... In all honesty, I don't know. We might have fucked it up. We might have just ruined two lives instead of one.

Why?

Because I saw her as this great figure that could have saved my life. My life still needs saving to this today. I think it was Andrew Marvel who said, and I'm para-phrasing, "You can't walk through paradise alone". And that's me. I want to be happy. I honestly do, but I know that I cannot walk through life alone, because then I wouldn't have anyone to help me through it. I don't think I need much to help me get through life. I honestly don't really have a best-friend, a girlfriend or any kind of anything resembling a soul mate. What I've always lacked in my life was the confidence. I know have the potential and the skill and/or the will, just not the confidence or a certain special someone to cheer me on as I'm going through my goals.

I have no goals anymore. I just want to feel something again. I just want to hold someone again. As we were watching Lolita, I softly uttered to myself, "I've completely forgotten what it's like to be kissed."

I can't remember.