ASC Pt. III

I'm finally back home. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I've been out of town at my cousin's place over the last few days. It's weird. As he was driving me home, in my mind I kept picturing "home" as my old house. I thought about laying down on my bed and reading a book. I still picture the kind of yellowish feel to how everything looked because of the lights... it's been about a year a half, yet that still feels like my home and I guess forever will until I really find a life of my own.

A life of my own? When will that happen? It feels like never. I remember writing once "I'm not sure if I'm incapable of being loved or incapable of loving someone else." I'm pretty sure I'm incapable of being loved and, with that, am incapable of loving someone else. I really feel like it's done for me, I've missed my chance, and I'm never going to get another one. No offense to anyone else my age, or possibly over, because I'm sure most of you are attractive and fun... but there is something wrong if you're not in a serious relationship by like, let's say, 25... I'm 24 now, and I've got a few months to get there... but by 25, don't you ever think "Why hasn't it happened by now?" And even if you might be really cool and / or pretty, then you look at what's available to you and it's either people who are complete slackers and / or morons or people far too young for you to look at and / or could never think of you in that way. (Aside: Sorry for the and / or that kept coming up)

I don't know... Pretty much everyone I know is in a relationship and that's good for them, but for me, it makes me kind of sad. In a few years, I'm sure most will still be together and probably married or about to be. They'll probably have kids and have jobs and have something worth living their lives for. Me? I'll probably still be on here writing about how hopeless I feel, but this underlying optimism keeping me from completely giving up.

I hate having hope because it makes me think that someday it will all be better, while after all this time it's only gotten worse.

I wanted to compare myself to a lawyer that waits for ambulances - you know, ambulance chaser - but I'm too tired to be that clever right now. So I'll just end with this - Freedom of speech is one thing, the word penis is another.