ASC Pt. III

So I've been rearranging my room all day after buying "How I Met Your Mother" Season One on DVD. I've really enjoyed this show, but I usually miss it on mondays because last year I usually worked and this year I have a late class (Which I thankfully often skip).

I've 2/3 of the first season and it's left me in tears... not just out of laughter. I dunno... When I see people fall in love on TV it just makes me feel like it's fruitless in real life. I don't know if I could ever feel that or have those great moments out of TV and movies... but then I remember that I did... and that makes me think how probably nothing I ever do will compare with those special times.

I'm on the episode where Victoria moves to Germany and Ted (The Bob Saget version of him) says that long distance doesn't work. Well, he's right. I think everyone that has a long distance relationship believes that he or she will somehow beat the odds... yea, you know what, some people do, but realistically I'm sure that most people do not because either they have to figure out a way to be together or just give up... or maybe they fall for someone else in the meantime.

I held onto it for so long and though it was so long ago, a part of me, a gigantic part of me still holds on to her. I cannot let go of her. I cannot let go of the one thing that ever made sense to me. The one and only time I ever listened to my heart was the one and only time I was ever happy. I said "Fuck off" to logic. I didn't think. I just did what every piece of my heart told me to do. I gave her everything inside of me. All of my thoughts, my dreams, my future... and she left me with nothing.

I didn't just have a long distance relationship. I had a long distance affair with a married woman. Aren't I a horrible person? Fucking karma, I suppose... I know I've written something along those lines before, probably repeatedly, but I can't help but feel like I deserve this pain.

I haven't poured myself open like this in awhile.

Why does it still hurt so much. I can't help but feel horrible when I really think about her and us and just love in general, even my life in general.

I don't know if I wrote about this yet, but I was watching this show on TLC about a couple from somewhere in my area (who were really good looking BTW) who had a child that had primordial dwarfism. And when the baby was born, the doctors looked at their child and knew that something was wrong (she was really tiny) but they had no idea what was wrong. They couldn't tell the couple anything. And the couple kept talking about how scared they were said something along the lines of - Imagine planning your life around something or someone. They were planning the rest of their lives to raise this child, love this child, and take care of this child, and as she was about to start her life, she might have been taken away from them. Imagine just planning your life and having it taken away from you.

That's exactly how I felt. I planned my life around her. Not just my future, but my everyday life. I planned my classes to have more time to talk to her. I took days off from both school and work for her. I really stayed in school partly because I wanted some kind of life for the two of us... and it was all taken away from me.

I don't blame her. It ended and I live with that... I guess that's the sad part - I live with it. I live with it everyday and I wish I didn't have to.

But yea... I live with much too much remorse. I wish I could trust again. I'm so on guard about everything. I'm probably more social and sociable now, but in reality I feel more distant from people on the whole. This year, I've met a lot of people, but I really don't like anyone (from school) and it just seems so stupid. I hate having this useless conversations about nothing... I think that's why I'm actually doing well in school this year - Unimportant things have become priorities to me. I miss life.

I miss Nicole... I really liked her. I'm so shy about contacting her. She kind of reminds me of Victoria on How I Met Your Mother (do you like how I bring it back full circle). She kind of has her same look. Kind of has bright aura, radiance about her, and has a little lazy eye. Is it fucked that I noticed her lazy eye and still find her ever so beautiful? I dunno... in the new year I'm gonna find her and see her around campus and will gladly skip class just to hang out with her, if possible. Thank God facebook makes it easy to stalk someone (kidding... I'm using it as a tool to meet a friend, not to follow her around). Yea, I'm lonely... it's just, over the last few years, she's maybe one of two people I've some kind of connection with and I'd like to sit and talk with her again. It's cute, right?