ASC Pt. III

It was my last day of class today, making it the first day of winter vacation... Good stuff.

Looking at my life, I see how overwhelmed and tired I am. I'm completely feel swamped with work and more than ever, not thinking about myself. I don't feel very important right now. Nothing really does. I'm just kind of going through it... and oddly, I'm probably in a better mind set now than I have been in a long time. I'm not as unhappy I suppose, as I'm not thinking about my current or past state. I'm just submerged in my work and my readings and my essays... all of which don't matter much to me.

Maybe I should think about where things are right now?

"What are you doing next year?" a girl I don't really know asked me that last week. I told her "Either working or killing myself." Everyone laughed, but the truth is, I don't know what I"m doing next year. I want to go to teacher's college, but I haven't even applied yet and applications are due next month and I don't know what I"m doing and i have no volunteer work under my belt... so I'm pretty much screwed. I do need to save some money to pay back my loans... and more than anything, I'd really like a better life... ya know, socially. Yes, I, even after all these years and many different versions of this blog... I still want to fall in love. I don't know if I've ever really felt it. I think I have, but it's a little hard to recall now that it feels so long ago and so far away.

Is there someone around the corner?

I don't think so... I just don't see it working out for me. I haven't met someone I've even remotely clicked with in a long time. I don't know. It seems like since I haven't found someone by now, then I probably won't find someone ever... is that reasonable to say? And where will I find this girl? Sitting at home blogging my life away... sorry blogger, I do love you.

So where does it go from here? I still want her, whoever she might be... but I guess she doesn't want me, whoever she might just probably does not want me. Who on eary would want me? I wouldn't... in fact, I guess if someone did like me I'd think "Why on earth do you like me? What's wrong with me?" Damn my self-esteem...

Her picture stares in my eyes
An image in an ideal world