ASC Pt. III

I know I've written on the topic of love before, but I think I need to reinforce it again... if not for the reader than definietely for myself.

You know how you are when you're young? This blank slate, if you will, waiting to be written and waiting for marks to be made on you? Well, when I was this blank slate I think I was written with permanent chalk of drawings of little hearts and boys and girls holding hands... that's a silly comparison, but I think it makes sense... but in all honesty, I was like totally completely warped into thinking about love. I don't know why. Girls usually blame their older sisters and blame them for renting romantic comedies and forcing them to watch them. Me, I just always rented them for fun. I was never the shoot up type of movie kid... I loved loved stories and well crafted jokes and people kissing and making love and all that good jazz...

My entire high school life, I wrote a lot. I wrote novels and songs and stuff along those lines about people falling in love or almost falling in love or wanting to fall in love... I guess I wrote that way because that's who I am and who I want to be. That feeling stayed with me for years and years... and then it happened...

To make a very long story short...

dun dun dun...

I fell in love. Yea, I really did. I think about it all the time... in fact, I think about it way too much. But yea, at one point, I was really in love. It was a short and beautiful time in my life and it felt like I was in a Meg Ryan movie, a Mark Ruffalo movie... a Bill Pullman movie? I don't know... I've lost track about who the current king and queen of Romantic comedies are.

SO I was in love... we broke up, and it was the worst time of my entire life. I fell into depression. I nearly dropped out, or should I honestly, flunked out of school... no, that's not true. I'm just lazy. But I definitely would have done a bit better if she and I hadn't broken up. But anyways, we broke up and it totally broke me. I lost around 30 lbs in probably under 3 weeks. I was sleeping 12-14 hours a day... thinking about it, sadly, she and I hadn't even broken up yet. We were kind of in this odd state of still being in love and not being sure where it was going to go or how true and powerful our love would be (Overdramatic? Not in this case).

It didn't last... it slowly faded and she broke my heart. The way I see it, she broke my heart. I think hurt her a bit, but the fact is that in all of it, I was the one that got hurt the most. I still hurt to this day... even writing this right now, I'm balling over my keyboard. Fuck, I still love her and I still that special that we had. I know it's over, I know it will never be, but god damn it, I so fucking miss her.

It's been years and in spite of this relationship and this heartbreak, I still think that there's a chance for me to fall in love. The hope is still in me. I don't know how that is, but there's still hope in me. Why? I should fucking give up. I wish I could give up, but you can't hide your honest to god self... if you are something, you are something. I'm a fucking Romantic... point blank.

I don't know what I want in a girl anymore. I'd probably be happy with anyone that could just like me... I haven't met someone who's liked me in awhile...

There's still hope inside me... I'll try to write about who I am now and maybe the girl I'm supposed to be with will have some of these similar traits...

1) I love music... mostly guitar based up beat music or really lush acoustic music.
2) I like TV... I watch a lot of TBS actually. Newsradio, Friends, Gilmore Girls... I don't watch many new shows, but I love old comfortable ones.
3) I also enjoy fighting sports... both Ultimate Fighting and Pro Wrestling. It counter balances the gay TV Shows I like.
4) I'm really superficial... I know, that's not exactly a positive trait, but I am. I'm not going to lie. I don't find most people even remotely attractive, but if I say that you're pretty you have to think that I think that you're pretty damn gorgeous because I'm a very narrow minded person.
5) I don't read much... I really have grown to have novels since starting University.
6) I want to be something artsy... probably a write.
7) But I would be happy being a teacher :)
8) I have really big feet.
9) I like growing out my hair and giving it to cancer kids.
10) I play guitar really well, drums okay, and piano quite poorly.
11) I'm really shy... even when I like you, I'm very shy. I'm shy to call people or even IM people. I always feel like I'm bothering people.
12) I'm blind... my vision is just so so so bad.
13) I bake the world's greatest cookies.
14) I love coffee... sadly, I think my cafiene addiction is what causes my horrible headaches, but to love me is to love my headaches and my coffee.
15) I like cartoons.
16) I love my god daugther and I do believe she is the most gorgeous kid on earth.

That's it for now... my head is caving in.