ASC Pt. III

I had a mini freak out this week... I've been breaking down all day. I haven't left the house over the last three days - skipped school, haven't gone to work, haven't read a thing - I just freaked out. It really feels like such a long time since I've had a real good talk with someone. It feels like such a long time since I've just sat and really shot the breeze with someone and wasn't kind of freaked out about the situation or the relationship or something...

An example... well, there's this girl that I spend about 10 hours every Wednesday with. We aren't really friends. We have two classes together and just kind of decided to spend our break together. I didn't really decide to. She kind of just is there and we just kind of hang out... well, the entire time (aside from the 6 hours we spend together in class) I am nervous as hell. I can't really explain it. There are some moments where I just kind of blab about nothing and kind of make her laugh I guess, but that's not real to me. I feel like a stand-up comedian and I'm just doing my routines... I don't feel real at those moments. I feel like I'm playing a character. Not even playing, but I feel like a character myself and I'm unaware of it. I feel like a walking punchline... I am overwhelmed.

But aside from those moments where I'm spouting off at the mouth, there are these silences that seem to last forever for me. When those moments happen, I just freak out in my head and a million things just run through my mind. "Is she board? Is this as akward as it is for me? Is she itching to get away from me?" I just, I don't know if people actually care about me... I feel like no one does at some times. Even when people are nice, I just get these paranoid thoughts about if they're just being polite or something.

Why am I freaking out? I'm totally freaked out... god, I just don't feel real at all right now. There are slight moments of conversation over the last few days that have felt pretty nice and real to me oddly, but for the most part I've just been completely spent from this year of school. I'm overloaded with information that doesn't really impact me and that just kind of makes me sick.

I need a break...

I need a real break...

I want to go somewhere and get away from my life because I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. Sadly, even the things that usually get my head into different places haven't been working - TV, baking cookies or brownies, movies - right now, it feels like there's no escape.

Freak out!

It's sad when you aren't happy with your life and you can't escape...