ASC Pt. III

I haven't felt this sick in a very, very long time. I have a fever, I'm sore, I have a lot of phlegm, and to top it off, I'm really sad. I'm just so down right now, hitting lows I haven't seen in years... 5 years give or take a few days. I remember that time very vividly in spite of it being such a blur. For a good few weeks I was sleeping around 14 hours a day, eating once a day at most, and still going to school and work.

These five year intervals seem to come around like a Swiss watch.

I feel like once again, the idea of love in my life is ineffable. I feel like I"ve tried my hardest and it just doesn't seem like it will ever happen. I've tried to put it on fate or play cool and even gone over the top and it seems like I just fall flat every time.

I'm just sitting here taking in my life... I don't know what to say. I feel empty to be honest with you. I feel like I've given all I could and in return didn't get the prize I had in mind.

My life feels so scattered right now that I don't know where to begin. I guess it begins with this girl. We became friends almost a year ago. We had a class together - Cultural Theory - and after a few months of not saying much to each other, we then started talking every week and quickly became friends. It was really quite nice.

There's too much to get into... I have the flu and I'm freezing and sad. But for now, all I can say is, I gave her my all but I guess that just wasn't enough. It sucks that I can't find one single reason to be mad at her or be angry with her or to say she led me on or anything... I guess I was just hoping that I might be able to change her mind. Before I get to the end, I think I will I have to start at the very beginning... and that will begin tomorrow.

On a side note, I guess with the subject matter dealing with another person, this isn't so Anti-Social anymore... in my humble opinion, this maybe the greatest love story that never was.

It's been almost a year since I wrote in here... I don't know why I'm going to even start again, but I am. ASC... Anti-Social Commentaries... five years ago, it was the only place I could turn, only place I could really be myself and now I find myself turning back to this old place in need of some change or conclusion.

A lot has happened in the last year. It's hard to believe it's been year since I met this girl. A year? Where did it all go?

Well, her name is Anna... and to be honest, I kind of really like her. Actually, if you asked me if I loved her, I would tell you that I did. In love with her? I don't know... but who she is as a human being the way she makes me feel... then yes, I love her.

Over the last year, she and I have become close. I haven't felt the things I feel for this girl for another single soul... yea, I can't even lie. The things I feel for her, I have never felt for anyone else.

I'm starting to ramble about the past year so I'll sum it up in a line - I totally crushing on this girl. In spite of our pretty good friendship, I have these immense feelings for her. And now, she's leaving me for 10 months to go live in Australia. I feel a lot of things changing right now and the main thing is that I know for certain that she and I will never ever be anything more than just friends. In my heart of hearts, I know this and I've known this for quite sometime, but I've had this underlying optimism inside of me hoping she just might open her eyes to see what I feel for her and maybe see that there might be something special between us.

And now she's leaving. I know it's not the end of the world, but it has me scratching my head. I'm a little dizzy... I'm a little sick... I'm a little confused. And I'm tired... I just thought this might have been the right time. But I guess it's just a case of "The right time, the wrong situation..." oh, Del Amitri, you speak my life sometimes.

It's almost 2am. I'm up... still up. I haven't left the house today. I woke at around 11 and just didn't feel like going to school. I often skip Mondays like today, not because of the bad Canadian January weather or even the fact that I don't like my Monday class. I was downloading last night's wrestling Pay Per View and thought that I'd rather watch it then have to trek it down to York for a boring 6 + hour day.

I didn't do much today... I watched the Royal Rumble and was kind of sad over Shawn Michaels' defeat, but also happy over the Undertaker's win. That was about the extent of my day. Another reason why I don't like Mondays (and yes, I went there by quoting the awesome song by The Boomtown Rats) is the fact that I don't really have any friends in this class. I just realized that now... I tend to be more eager to go to a class when I have a friend in the class. Sometimes, I suppose you can say that I look forward to going to the class for the simple reason that it gives me a chance to talk to someone.

When I think of this trend over the last four years of my life, I mostly think of Nicole last year. I sadly can't get her out of my head... pretty sad, huh? I like her a lot and I'm pretty sure that she has no idea nor would she even be affected if she found out. Why? Because I'm pretty sure she doesn't care about me... doesn't care in the sense that, ya know, she thinks I'm nice enough, but not great enough to talk to me outside the socially constructed walls of our friendship... the walls being our forced time together in the walls and halls of York University.

Even if somehow I told her, and the bigger "if" of her feeling things back for me, I'm sure that things would never work out. She seems to be happier person than me. She seems to be a lot more social. She just seems too good for me. Everyone is really, when I think about it. I don't think anyone could enjoy being with someone like me. I'm just so boring and stale and unimportant. I doubt there would ever be a girl out there that would be turned on by a guy that just likes to sit around in his underwear all day, wrapped up in a comforter, watching sitcoms and playing Tetris. That sadly sums it all up.

No, I'm sure she wouldn't like me... She finds me interesting and somewhat amusing, and that's cool, but I'm sure she wouldn't find me likable, and more than that, lovable.

I'm desperate. I'm 24 years old. I thought that this would be it... this year was do or die for me and I guess I'm just gonna die. I'm 24 going 60. I doubt my life will change much by then. I can't let myself become something that isn't real... I don't know what that means exactly, but it sound right to me.

I wish there was something I could figure out for myself right now, but I can't. It's always been the same and always will be.